Friday, December 09, 2005

Anytime now.............

This was an ultra-sound taken a few weeks ago.

Today's Random Thought

I feel that it would be a nice, holiday gesture if prison administrators strung Christmas lights around their barbwire.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Why haven't the Japenese recognized the superiorty of our forks to their chopsticks? You would think that one of them one some hundreds of years ago would've said, "SNAP! Man, these things can really shovel some food!"

Today's Random Thought

Is there such a thing as a "lap cat"? You see lap dogs everywhere. People will take dogs with them on all sorts of errands, but you never see someone driving around with a cat hanging out the passenger side window.

Today's Random Thought

Why do walkers have hand-brakes? I saw a little old lady in Kroger with one that had two handbrakes on each handle. It's the same kind of brakes that comes standard on any bicycle. She was inching along at 6 inches per step. That's when I began to think that at this speed why not just let gravity take it's due course if a "sudden" stop is needed. The lady was already on that ragged edge between motion and stagnation.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Today's Invention

Anti-Bacterial Cologne

This is an additive that cologne manufactures can add to their products to provide their customers with an anti-bacterial shield.

Today's Idea

Pimp my rascal

A show for the aging MTV crowd. It is a spin off of the popular Pimp my Ride show that is now on.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Today's Invention

Teflon Needles

Do you know what I hate about getting shots? They stinkn' hurt! What did you think I was going to say, huh? One reason they are so pain full is due, in part, to the friction between your skin and the needle. Think about what happens when you fall and skin your knee. The friction causes skin to be scraped off because the asphalt is trying to hold on to your knee even as your knee is trying to slide. Much like the asphalt, your skin is trying to hold onto the needle even as the needle is trying to slide though it. Now I've over simplified the mechanics of it all and totally discounted the fact that we have thousands of nerve ending in our skin that get pretty pissed when they are poked, but you get the basic idea. Those injections that you get will be a lot less painful if science could somehow eliminate or reduce this friction.

That's not going to happen anytime soon because it is a basic law of physics, but with the help of Teflon great leaps could be made to making those injections for your gonorrhea spells a lot less painful. All we would need to do is coat surgical needles with Teflon, the slickist substance known.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Today's Invention

Liquid Glove

Liquid glove is a quick drying latex solution that the hands are dipped into to form a sheer, yet durable sheath around the hands. The latex, once dry, bonds to the hands and a forms a seal at which point it feels and behaves just like any other latex glove. The main advantage to this is its versatility. A surgeon who needs more tactile sensation would only apply one coat but a law enforcement official might need several coats to protect the hands from snags or punctures during searches where they might be exposed to needle sticks, contaminated or corrosive fluids, and all forms of pathogens.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Why do we only hear about UNICEF during Halloween? Are they a non-profit of the damned' raising money for the prince of darkness? Sorry about that. I should have just stuck with the intial question.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Today's Random Thought

The First Blogger

I realized last night that Doogie Houser was the first blogger. Do you remember how he would end every show by summing up his day on his computer journal? Stinkn' child prodigy; a doctor and web pioneer.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

How dare me!

There is nothing anyone can do to me, no mis-deed, no trespass, no evil done now or in the future that hasn't already been paid for by the blood of Christ. So how can I hold on to anger and bitterness? These are the results of an unforgiving heart. Was Christ's death not enough!? The debt was paid. What a fool I am to think that I should demand more from someone who offends me by seeking my own payment in anger, bitterness, and revenge. Christ blood was more and more and more than enough!

John MacArthur, in his Oct 11 radio broadcast entitled, "The portrait of a new life", says that the way we forgive is the measure of the depth of appreciation that we have for Christ's death for our sins. John goes on to say that it is also a measure of whether we have love in our hearts. Christ's forgiveness of our sins is the ultimate act of love and Eph 4:32 says we should forgive like Christ forgave. So by holding on to anger and bitterness we demonstrate that we don't love. 1 John 4:7 says that those who love know God. By not forgiving we show that we don't love and by not loving we show that we don't know God.

Use forgiveness to gauge the love you show and remember that the offenses against you have been paid for ALREADY. Don't demand more by giving in to your anger! You don't have that right! Was Christ's torture, his beatings, whippings, humiliation, the nails through his feet and hands not enough for you!?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Tactile Museum for the Blind

"My Lament"

OOOOoooooh, I am burden with this evil genius. OOOOoooooh, how I see the most innocent of ideas and twist them in my head. OOOOooooooh, how even the blind are not immune from the comedic poison that flows through my mind like Katrina over a levee. Ok, enough!

Check this link. It's a museum for the blind. Basically, everything in the museum is up for grabs, so to speak. The blind are allowed to touch the pieces of art which allows them to "see" them with their hands. Now, my mind has been overloaded with possible pranks and I grow weary of indulging them in my head, so I will speculate on a faux pas that surely must be a daily occurrence:

    Statue of David mishap

curator: Welcome madam, I hope you enjoy .............WHOA!!!!! MADAM, THE STATUES ARE DOWN THE HALL!

P.S. Ten points to anyone who can put the headshot from my bio on the statue from the link above.

10 minutes later.....................................we have a winner!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Today's Invention

Today's invention was born out of my deep regret for missing the initial wave of the "fast food playground" explosion of the early eighties. McDonalds was the first in my hometown, but though I was of age, my freakishly adult frame disqualified me from their diminutive standards. I was barred from the ball pit. Being a few years younger when the trend started would have made for a much happier childhood.

The hardest blow was landed at Show Biz pizza; now called Chucky Cheese. It's one of those amusement park like establishments, if you aren't familiar with it. It was my birthday and I, along with a few of my friends had gathered there with our parents for pizza and party cake. I was 9 or 10. I'm sure the exact age would come back to me under regressive hypnosis but Blue Cross and Blue Shield doesn't cover psycho therapy. Show Biz issued us all a handful of tokens and sent us on our way. I didn't get very far because of my girth I wasn't allowed on the Rope Playhouse. My friends enjoyed it though. I had my eye on this neat little hydraulic ride in the vacant kiddy section of the play land. It was an airplane that would lift six feet or so in the air. It was a bit pricey at three tokens but Frogger had grown old and none of my friends were around to notice I was on a kiddy ride. I jump in and deposit my three tokens and waited for the ride to begin. After a few seconds the MIDI sounds of an airplane taking off came roaring through the cockpit speakers. I felt a sudden jolt and I was off! The plane hovered on its hydraulic arm half way up before seizing up under it's unusually heavy load and then began to slowly lower. I had broken it. Happy freakn' birthday!!!

Today's invention sounds a bit naughty, but I assure you it's not. It is an Adult Playground filled with adult toys. Once again, sicko, this isn't suggestive at all. The playground will consist of road worthy go-carts, virtual gaming, pool tables, dart boards, a bar, and many more activities that aren't suitable for children. Oh, and there will be a bouncer at the door with a measuring stick.

Today's Random Thought

If you ever see a fox approach you and it's foaming at the mouth.....Maaaan, just leave it alone.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Today's Invention

Today's invention is a post-it note gospel tract. All you have to do is peel and stick. This invention, more than any of my inventions, actually can be done on my budget. I am stopping by Office Max to price the job.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Logan's Roadhouse is one of those resturants that serves peanuts as appitizers. It's an American version of chips and salsa and basically these types of eateries are just thumbing their noses at the mexician joints, but it's a tasting gimmick none the less. Logan's further plays on the gimmick by allowing customers to toss their empty shells on the floor. It's part of the Roadhouse feel. My thought concerns the obvious slip hazzard that surrounds this practice. I'm actually surprised that there isn't a drive through just for soliciting lawyers. So, why don't more people walk out of Logan's with concussions? Anyhow, I've never been to an authentic Roadhouse but I did see Patrick Swayze in the movie of the same name, so I feel quite confident in saying that Logan's doesn't live up to the hype.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Don't push your religion on me!

Why does Christianity offend the world? Why does the Gospel rub people the wrong way?

When a proud sinner is confronted with their sin through the 10 commandments a battle is started in their heart and mind. Their conscience is convicting them of their sin while their mind is fighting to hold on to the belief that they are a "good" person. What results is anger. You've heard the saying, "Don't shoot the messenger for the message"? Well, this is what is happening. A proud sinner will lash out at the one who brought the message.

"Don't push your religion on me!" Have you heard this? It's the messenger being "shot". It is also proof that that person is being worked over by their conscience. Why else would they respond so harshly? You won't see the same response if someone stood up in the town square declaring the sky to be red and to repent of our notions of a blue sky. "Repent, blue sky believers!" No, you aren't going to hear anyone say, "Don't push your red sky belief on me!" You won't because that message doesn't convict the hearers' conscience. People would regard it as foolishness and not give it a second thought. But those who are being confronted by their sin are bothered, those who aren't don't give it a second thought because it is foolishness to them.

This brings me to the other question, "Why does the gospel rub people the wrong way?" Check out 1 Cor 1:18....

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."
A man dying on the cross for me? That is silly. Tell a sinner that before they are convinced of their sin and you've just turned the gospel message into just an ordinary event in history. It takes seeing that one is a sinner before hell and the cross make sense. For ways to biblically witness to someone go to The Way of the Master.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Today's Random Thought

I wonder if Jesus' repeated references about tax collectors didn't hurt Matthew just a little each time?

Matt 5:46
"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?" -NIV

I wonder if writing about it here was therapy for him? I can hear Jesus saying that and the Apostles snickering at Matthew.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Good News!!!

It's a Girl!!!! God has answered our prayers. Today we learn that we are going to have a girl. The ultrasound showed a 1 lb 1 oz. girl jumping around inside my wife. WOW. We are soooo happy!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Guilty of looking the other way!

Chris's post and my daily reading prompted this:
"If someone comes to your meeting and does not teach the truth about Christ, don't invite him into your house or encourage him in any way. Anyone who encourages him becomes a partner in his evil work" 2 John 10, NLT
We have ground accustomed to walking on eggshells around our "Christian" brothers who are living in sin and by doing so are guilty of it ourselves. By saying nothing we are encouraging him. Wow. Chew on that.

My Goals

I'm reading Steven Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and I'm even more convinced of the importance of goals. I've included mine here below with a brief note on how I plan to achieve each goal. This is a working document for me which look at and add to periodically. I suck at this in my opinion but I am accomplishing more with goals in mind than without them.
January 2005
Last revised August 2005
Goals 2005

Love more
See others how God sees them

Pray more
For the lost
Self betterment

Be a better husband
Call from work
Leave notes
See things from her point of view

Memorize and establish a repertoire
Memorize one cover a month
Memorize one original a month
Memorize a verse a day.

Evangelize more
Hand out tracts.

Read more. Bible, self-help, bio, ect
Read bible during lunch break
Read chapter out of self help book a day
Read chapter out of a book for leisure

Write more
Write a song a week.

Play a stronger lead
Amp up at church
Practice along with CDs

Develop my ear
Learn intervals
Develop Tonal Memory

Enter writing contests
One a month

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Spurgeon Blues

Even Judas was a preacher

"You that are Church-officers do not conclude that because you enjoy the confidence of the Church, therefore there is an absolute certainty the grace of God in you." -Charles Spurgeon

Spurgeon Blues


"I am told that Christians do not love each other. I am very sorry if that be true, but I rather doubt it, for I suspect that those who do not love each other are not Christians." -Charles Spurgeon

Today's Random Thought

What was the reasoning behind making cookies look like elves? How did we become callous to this? They don't taste like elves, so why did we go down that road? The "Little People" of the world aren't offended that we are biting into their cookie likeness and that is just weird if you think about it. I would be if I learned that Africans were eating "Eric" shaped sugar cookies made to look like a Caucasian hillbilly from Tennessee. I don't know? Mr. Peanut freaks me out too. I don't know if we'd be so cavalier about eating peanuts if they all looked like Mr. Peanut. Anthropomorphism and food just don't seem to mix but we've accepted it somehow.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Today's Invention

Teflon Cue Stick

I invented this to eliminate the messy practice of chalking the stick before play. Teflon is the slipperiest substance known to man and will provide the near frictionless surface needed to properly maneuver the stick through the players' hand during a shot.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Today's Invention

Bedliner Bathtubs

My wife actually helped come up with this one. We were reminded of our grout problems in our shower when we saw a display in the Mall of these fiberglass tub covers. They just slipped over the exsisting tub. My wife hates cleaning the tub and I hate the idea of replacing the grout. The tub slip covers were kind of ghetto, but my wife said they were like truck bedliners. That's when it hit us. Why not just hose down our tub and tiling with those spray on bedliners like Rhino offers? Neccessity really is the mother of invention.

Maternity Smoking Jacket

What is something you might find at a yardsale in Tennessee?

Baby Victoria Secret

What is a store you won't see following the baby trend?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

My email to Ray Comfort

Ray Comfort,

Below is my own version of your "Firefighter polishing the Fire Truck while people perish in the burning building" example of our responsibility to the lost. Ray's example shows how Christians' responsibility is to "stop talking about fishing" and go out and fish.

"By not sharing our faith we are like a man who sits down to a sack lunch amongst a group of those who are starving. He sits down, says thanks for the food, and enjoys his meal with his blinders firmly in place"

Below is my analogy explaining what a "fear filled" convert is.

"You are talking with some friends in the hallway at school when the class bully approaches. Out of fear you change your demeanor to that of submission, paying careful attention not to rouse the anger of the bully by the slightest bit of irritation. You walk on egg shells so not to deserve some form of torment from the bully to be meted out later on the playground. All the while you and your friends are secretly hoping that the teacher will hold him back a grade next year."

This type of convert is the product of Hell Fire preaching where the "convert" actually resents God for the punishment instead of fleeing to Him for the salvation from it.

Feel free to use them if you think they will help.

I need some help with this song.

(Not yet titled)

I went to an Auction on the bad side of town

Cross the railroad tracks and on down around

Round the river’s bend to the house where the Colonial once lived

The Colonial fought battles with his demons, his bottle battled back.

But, slowly it turned on him and attacked.

The story ending like it did was inevitable, I suppose.

And now the county was selling his home, said everything had to go.

It goes to pay the tax man what the tax man is owed.

Now it felt like a sin when I walked in.

To see it was more than just possessions that they were selln’

His memories in pictures were framed and ,now, tangible to touch.

Laid on these shelves just building up dust.

There was a Purple Heart for the lead that was still there in his hip;

the cane he used and his permanent limp.

There was a plaque from the local Lion’s club

from 89, 90, and 91.

A picture of the Colonial saluting the flag.

And of him with his family, a family no one knew he had.

The man I thought was just a drunk whom life had thrown a curve.

Was special to someone before taking a wrong turn

and before loosing control and before jumping the curb.

Framed and for sale now were the years before the fall

And for just a few misdeeds I had judged them all

Theses pictures told stories of the good within these walls.

I could not bear to see what I knew not run free.

I would not want my legacy dying with me.


So I stole the pictures that were there on the shelf.

They meant nothing to no one so I took ‘em for myself.

Oh, you can’t put a dollar sign on that man’s life.

Memories can’t be sold for any kind of price.

Paraplegic Humor

I finally got an answer to the age-old question, "Why don't Paraplegics do their own stunts?" Last night I was watching TV and stumbled across a Johnny Knoxville like stunt called "Paraplegic Jousting" on MTV. The two crippled guys in wheel chairs were each given high voltage cattle prods and were wheeled around to face each other. They were then pushed towards each other Elizabethan style in an attempt to shock joust the other guy off his wheel chair steed. This first guy got hit and immediately crumbled to the ground. Loosing his mobility left him open to gratuitous attacks from his still upright opponent. Feeling empowered and board with the torment of his helpless foe, he soon took to shocking the hosts of the show, who fortunately could run from their attacker. This turn of events was quite funny. It was as if the guy in the chair was speaking for the handicapped as a whole by venting his frustration on those that could walk. He was able to take out two of the stunt's hosts. Meanwhile, the downed cripple is waiving his shock prod around bravely like he was the last one standing at the Alamo. Standing? No, sitting, anyhow. It reminded me of a scene I saw on the The Animal Planet channel where a clan of hyenas were encircling a wounded Wildebeest who was hopelessly defending off attacks from all sides. It will only be a matter of time before they ban this form of entertainment like they banned midget tossing. What will the media moguls think of next?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Q&A as Mike Mullins would fill it out.

This is a game we are playing. First a few of us fill out this questionnaire then we fill it out as we think one of the others should've answered it. What follows is how I think Mike should've these same questions. His real one is on his site.

1.How old were you when you had your first kiss?
Old enough to know that dollies are for girl.
2. What do you think is your best feature?
Dry sense of humor.
3. What is your favorite breed of dog?
A Schnauzer. I'm going on the pretense that pets resemble their owners.
4. If you could attend only one Olympic event, which would it be?
Greco-Roman wrestling.
5. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be?
The "Family Guy"
6. If you were a car what kind would you be?
The Dukes of Hazzard Dodge 01
7. What is your favorite number?
8. Which Disney character are you most like?
Scar from the Lion King
9. If a movie was made about you, who would play you?
Luke Wilson
10. Have you ever been out of the country and, if yes, where? (list all places)
Who cares. He didn't stay.
11. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last twelve (12) months?
12. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first?
Push the wife and kid aside and swim towards the surface.
13. If you where stuck at one age for the rest of your life, what age would you want it to be?
Sperm, man those were the days.
14. What is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to you?
McDonalds getting chicken strips.
15. What is the coolest (or most unique) thing you have ever done?
My brother-in-law and I produced a two day charity music festival for the Coalition for Kids.
16. What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?
Fly ball hit to me in the outfield.
17. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
I'm sorry but I can't finish this one because I have the most horrendous picture in my head.
18. What is your favorite restaurant to eat at?
Harbor House with my family.
19. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Anything clear. It must be clear because colored drinks cause cancer!
20. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who don't understand people who are late.
21. What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Corn....................................THAT WAS STILL FREAKN' ON THE COB. EHWWWWWW!
22. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what song would you want it to be?
The Barney song.
23. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
Leave it as Mike but just pronounce it with a Jamaican accent.
24. What is the best book you have ever read?
Paint Winnie: A paint by number retrospect on the life and times of the Pooh Bear
25. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
It's more of a sensation.
26. What is the one thing you want to do before you die?
To personally reach "Studio 54" like status among my co-workers.
27. What is the most outrageous thing you would love to do?
Race the Dodge through Bristol with the Mayor (wink,wink) chasing me in his convertible, Boss Hogg style.
28. What is your favorite board game?
29. If you could have any job, what would it be?
Club owner and international man of mystery.
30. What, in your opinion, is the worst way to die?
Food poisoning.
31. If a genie granted you three wishes, what would you wish for?
For supreme dominance over my gimp, Dave Buckles.
31. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Anywhere the wife and kid were not.
32. What is one thing you could not go more than a week without?
Heat n' Serve frozen dinners
33. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?
My New Kids on the Block, Hangn' Tough haircut.
34. In the last three years, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Mac'd on the chick from the Dukes of Hazzard Documentary.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I'm jumping on the Q & A bandwagon

***UPDATED AS OF 7/28***
(updates are in green)

I jacked this questionnaire from my buddy, Kelly's, site. The answers are mine.

1. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
I stole a kiss from a neighbor girl when I was five.
2. What do you think is your best feature?
I'd say my sense of humor but my wife would say my dimples. She has to live with my twisted humor and it's just not funny to her anymore.
3. What is your favorite breed of dog?
I love all dogs.
4. If you could attend only one Olympic event, which would it be?
I'm more of a X-Games fan but I think I would enjoy watching Olympic hockey.
5. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be?
Michael Moore, so I could poop in his soup. Sorry, for being so crude, but I can't stand this lie monger!
6. If you were a car what kind would you be?
I'd be Ken Kesey's Merry Prankster bus called "Further" because of all its interesting passengers: Bob Dylan, Neal Cassidy, the Grateful Dead, and ect.

7. What is your favorite number?
8. Which Disney character are you most like?
9. If a movie was made about you, who would play you?
Jack Black. I'm sure we wouldn't be able to occupy the same point in time and space without the universe collapsing in on it self because he reminds me of myself so much.
10. Have you ever been out of the country and, if yes, where? (list all places)
Yes. Mexico on a mission trip with CSF.
11. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last twelve (12) months?
Zero. Yea! Bring back the wagon train!
12. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first?
Scream like a little girl, possibly wetting my self.
13. If you where stuck at one age for the rest of your life, what age would you want it to be?
19 for sure. I started noticing my decline at 23.
14. What is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to you?
I thought I was playing "Good Samaritan" by giving this lady a ride from the bank to the White Castle down the road. She ended being a hooker. I took her straight to the White Castle upon knowledge of this fact.
15. What is the “coolest (or most unique) thing you have ever done?
My brother-in-law and I produced a two day charity music festival for the Coalition for Kids.
16. What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?
Nothing so far compares to what I'm going to experience the first week in January with the birth of our first child. When I think about being in the delivery room I briefly lose conscientiousness. For those of you who think this is a cop out I have come up with something......I have dreams about sharks sometimes. That's scarry.
17. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
18. What is your favorite restaurant to eat at?
The Mellow Mushroom.
19. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Gin and Sprite.
20. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Lazy people.
21. What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Maize soup or what I call "Cat knuckle soup". I had this when I was in Mexico. I did notice the absence of cats in the town, but I was convinced by the others that it was corn and not cat knuckles that were bobbing around in my soup.
22. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what song would you want it to be?
It would probably be a song I wrote and sang for my wife for our first X-mas. Professionally speaking though, I would choose "The Road", by Nick Drake.
23. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
Big Sky
24. What is the best book you have ever read?
"The Way of the Master", by Ray Comfort. This book will change your life, I promise.
25. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Her face, eyes, smile, hair, and her body. This order might be reversed in most cases.
26. What is the one thing you want to do before you die?
I want to see one of my songs recorded and I want to attain perfect pitch.
27. What is the most outrageous thing you would love to do?
Sing on stage. I have horrible pitch and voice sounds like a rusty nail going through tin, so singing on stage would be outrageous.
28. What is your favorite board game?
Trivial Pursuit
29. If you could have any job, what would it be?
30. What, in your opinion, is the worst way to die?
Shark attack.
31. If a genie granted you three wishes, what would you wish for?
A million more wishes. That my entire family would be saved and be reunited in Heaven. Well, for that matter, I wish everyone would. And that I wish that I could start life over knowing everything I know now.
31. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Machu Picchu, the lost city of the Incas. I saw a Discovery Channel piece about this "manly peak" on the roof of the world and now I want to go.
32. What is one thing you could not go more than a week without?
My wife and my guitar.
33. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?
I wish I could let go of my anger.
34. In the last three years, what is one thing you would have done differently?
I would share my faith more. See question 24 for further instructions on how Jesus did it.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Why does it seem that the Vietnamese are predisposed to the nail care industry?

Today's Invention

Noise Cancellation Booths

Have you ever struggled to participate in a conversation at a restaurant because the noise was too great. I've invented booths fitted with an array of noise canceling microphones and speakers which efficiently lower the levels of ambient noise within the radius of the booth. The level of noise cancellation can be adjusted by the occupants of the booth. Enjoy your meal and just adjust the volume when you are ready to hear the band.

Hollywood Torches

I was watching National Treasure with Nicolas Cage recently and was reminded of a cinematic oddity: the torch that never burns out. The particular scene was set in a once inhabited cave. The antiquated torches from previous occupants still hung there on the cave walls. The actors, like in so many movies, lit the torches which fired to life as if they were trailer park Tiki lamps. I wonder if the frequency of this "trick" in the movies has dulled our awareness of it's improbability? Please comment with your own epiphanies, for example, comment on things that have become so familiar to you that you have failed to question them. Our Civil Liberties is good example. There are so many cameras installed out and about that it is almost assured that you will be video taped at some point in your day. These cameras have become so common place that few question the issue of privacy. This is just an example of the comments I'm looking for. Please don't mistake my Civil Liberties comment as being in anyway sympathetic to the domestic Nazis at the ACLU.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Today's Scene

Today's scene has our hero dancing madly at the recent LIVE 8 concert and thinking back to the Free Tibet concerts she attended in the late nineties. She till proudly wears the Free Tibet T-shirt, the backpack, the headband, beer coozy, and the sticker on her SUV. She misses the common sense exit along her journey down memory lane and ends up spending $150 in the vendor tents. But it's all for a good cause, just like this LIVE 8 concert, she says to herself as she buys a Duran Duran CD that they reissued just for this event. The money all goes to fight poverty or something right?

Who are these thinly veiled capital ventures benefiting anyway? LIVE 8 was organized to "bring awareness" to Africa's poverty. What about all the money that was spent on all the artist's merchandise. Oh, that? That went to line their pockets, reconstitute lagging record sales and dying careers. I wonder if our hero really thought that her "FREE TIBET" sticker really did any good. Does our hero think her Duran Duran CD bought even one bowl of rice for someone in Africa? The "Awareness" that I acquired during LIVE 8 is the realization that there are suckers out there who can't see past the nose on their face. So, in honor of you, to stick up my nose at all you pseudo-do-gooders, I made my own sticker. And guess what? It will raise just as much "awareness" in it's sick ironic message.


What good does "Awareness" do without action? Anyone, as you can see above, can bring awareness to an issue. What has happened here is that the world was duped by a money making scheme with a charity title.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Today's Invention

Today's invention is a new technique for speech writers, public speakers, and writers of all kinds. The technique involves weaving an underlying thread of meaning throughout the speech or public address as a matter of keeping people's interest. For example a writer could fit in quotes from Beatles songs. An example follows in a short piece on improving your golf swing:

"How important are your wrists in your golf swing? Have you given it much thought?
Yesterday, my troubles seemed so far away since I've developed these techniques.

I Want to Tell You some methods that have helped me. Now picture yourself in a boat on a river, With tangerine trees and marmalde skies. Ok, now that you are relaxed, take a moment and picture your golf swing. Start at the address position - to the top - through impact and on to the follow through. I test my swing with my heaviest driver which is made from Norwegian Wood. Now just isolate your wrists and even your hands to get a better visual. You know you twist so fine sometimes. Do you see how important they are in your swing? If not, let me explain briefly.

There are several roles the wrists play in your golf swing, but two that really come to mind. They are:

1. Controlling the club throughout the golf swing. That means on plane and with the proper clubface alignment.
2. Providing power through impact or the "hitting zone".

If your wrists are weak it will be very hard to accomplish these actions and you'll ball will most likely end up in the rough or in Strawberry Field Forever. This is a common scenario for junior golfers, since their strength hasn't been worked on yet. While you shouldn't be cinching up on your grip, your wrists need to be firm to control the club throughout your swing. If You've Got Trouble then , picture "setting" your club at the top. It needs to be consistently in a certain position to make a proper downswing. If your wrists are weak you will have a difficult time controlling the club due to its length and weight."

Ok, you get the point. Try something else. You could use rhthme perhaps, or include famous quotes from politicians or celebrities. This technique provides a degree of familiarity to an otherwise boring or complidated subject. It will also tune your audience to the real words and meaning you are trying to convey because they are listening now.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Today's Scene

I heard a story on FOX News yesterday about an Afghan prisoner who was fitted for a prosthetic leg during his imprisonment at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. He was held for several months and then released. Several weeks later he was recaptured for involvement in an ambush of an American convoy. Today's scene details how I would handled this prisoner's second visit to GITMO.

SOLDIER: What is your name?

PRISONER: Alli babba.

SOLDIER: Ok, Alli. During your first imprisonment we treated you with the upmost regard for your particular religious needs. We supplied you and your cohorts with prayer rugs and copies of the Koran. We fed you better than we feed our own soldiers. We punished our own soldiers when they treated you any less than they would want to be treated themselves. We supplied you with medicine when you were sick. And we fitted you with a prosthetics leg when you didn't have one. Today you were caught you in an attempt to kill more U.S. soldiers. That's gratitude, huh, Alli. Ok, so today we are officially taking back your leg. It's being repossessed, Alli. Now run along..

That's today's scene.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Random Thought

What is the Turner Broadcasting System's obsession with the movies "Sleepless in Seattle" and "You've got Mail" and why do they feel compelled to air them 5 times a week? It's like TBS is having a "girls' night out" over there and they are all cooking brownies and watching chick flicks.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Today's Scene

I saw a picture once that was taken from the fourth or fifth row at a concert in Japan. Everyone in the shot was intently focused on the screens of their camera phones and trying to either video or take a pictures of the band. They were substituting the real thing which was only just feet away for small digital picture versions. You really have to laugh at this because think of the money these concert goers spent to get seats so close but they weren't fully experiencing it because they were too busy taking pictures. And it is obvious that they are oblivious to what is going on around them too.

Today's scene is a picture very similar to the one above. I ask that you use your imagination because this is how I envision the world to come when we all have camera phones. The picture is of a shoot-out in front of a busy bank between the police and three bank robbers. Guns are pointed in all directions and are being fired as indicated by the smoke. There is a small crowd of people either leaving or entering the bank as the drama breaks out in their mist. The irony in this picture is the relative calm of the passer-byers and the fact that the entire crowd have their camera phones out and poised to capture the fire fight for prosperity even as they are in harms' way. That's today's scene and the future affects of camera phones in our society.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Today's Random Thought

I am thoroughly convinced, after seeing the trailer for the upcoming Spielberg mini series, Into the West, that the movie industry is currently in a Native American "drought". The trailer depicted white actors as Indians. And I'm talking big broad nosed, beer drinking, 232 cholesterol carrying Caucasians too. What happened? I always thought that if you were Native American then you had a guaranteed job in any Western flick that came out?

Today's Scene

The camera follows a sharply dressed couple into a Japanese Steak House. It's one of those that prepares the customers' orders right there in front of them on a special table that doubles as a grill. The couple is seated next to three other couples. The camera pans across the group. A few moments of small talk go by and then a waitress emerges with a cart of ingredients in preparation for the Chef's grand entrance.

The kitchen door swings open and a chef stumbles out wearing very dark sunglasses. His attire is professional but disorganized. He has misbuttoned his shirt and his fly is wide opened. He pulls out a walking cane after a few unsuccessful attempts at avoiding stationary objects in his way. It is clear now to the customers, as the camera pans across their shocked faces, that their Chef for the evening is blind. He finally finds his way to the grill and promptly places his hand down flat against its sizzling surface. He screams for a moment, then soothes his blistered hand in the bowl of butter sitting on the cart. The chef regroups but somehow looses his bearings during the chaos and is now facing away from his table. He is now addressing his audience unknowingly with his back to them. The couples looked confused and some are stiflingly laughs. The camera view is now on the Chef's grinning and bobbing head, the couples can be seen in the background slightly blurred. The Chef begins his preparations by throwing shrimp out into the middle of the restaurant, the tale-tell sound of the sizzle noticeably absent. Back to the tight shot of his face, but now with a questioning frown. The Chef realizes his mistake and turns to face the table. He fumbles for a knife and indiscriminately swings and jabs with it in a vain attempt to slice carrots. At this point there is some quick head nodding and light whispers from the couples and they make a hasty exit. That's today's scene.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Satellite killed the radio star!

Commercial radio, for me, died on June 10th, 2005 when I bought a MyFi XM radio. I will never go back. I have been continually disappointed with commercial radio for years. I have found radio's savior to fly high in the sky. Satellite.

Today's Random Thought

One of the fundamental maxims of writing is "Write what you know". If writers write best when they write what they know, then shouldn't Steven King be locked away somewhere?

Friday, June 10, 2005

Today's Random Thought

I believe a Beatnik is a poet who understands the beauty in the way words sound and the emotions they instill more than their meaning when placed in neat structured forms.

Today's Invention

Today's Invention is an improvement on an already existing product. The Delphi MyFi is the world's first portable satellite radio. My improvement would be to add an sd slot to it to make it possible to store and burn your music.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Today's Invention

The Tin Ear and Audio Braille

The Tin Ear is one of my conceptual inventions designed for the deaf. It is constructed in the same housing as hearing aides. At the heart of its construction is what I will call Audio Braille. Audio Braille is a powerful piece of software that recognizes millions of different sounds and then interprets and translates them into vibrations or blinking lights that a deaf person could, with training, understand. The Tin Ear comes factory loaded with Audio Braille and is fully upgradable to accommodate newer software versions. A deaf person would learn to understand the blinking lights or vibrations much like a blind person would learn to read Braille. For example a certain series of vibrations from the device with a specific magnitude could be recognized as a car horn. So, Tin Ear's microphone picks up the sound of a car horn and Audio Braille translates it into the vibrations which can be felt and understood by the wearer.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Regarding "Down with the System"

Wow! I obviously touched a nerve with some Down fans. I appreciate all the comments. Most, however, did not agree with my stance, but graciously acknowledged my opinion. There were some very intelligent points made. I like to be made to think and most of these comments did just that. I take the words that people say very seriously and, much like art, lyrics mean different things to different people. It was interesting to learn other interpretations. Thanks

Today's Scene

Today our hero is on an errand for a co-worker at the cell phone store. Hero's co-worker was involved in a motorcycle accident over the weekend and has twisted his ankle. Our hero is at a grocery store buying Epsom Salt and a bag of ice and he is next in line at the check out counter. Token small talk with the clerk bores him so he decides to construe a ruse.

Clerk: What's the ice for?

Hero: I'm a volunteer for the Donor Organ Recovery Unit at the local hospital and I'm working right now, so I don't have time to deliver the kidney and the pair of eyes that I have out in the car so I'm putting them on ice in the refrigerator at work until I get off.

Clerk: Uh.....Oh......Ok.

Hero: Yep...Yep,yep. (hero laughs inside his head)

Down with the System

"Why don't presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?"
-System of a Down, B.Y.O.B.: Mezmerize 2005.

This lyric comes from yet another band jumping on the anti-government bandwagon to sell albums. I don't know for sure if it sparks from ignorance or greed, probably a little of both. I understand ignorance. It would be irresponsible, but forgivable. The System of a Down, whose lyric is quoted above, will see the light when they realize that the world their lyrics influence is the one their kids are going to have to live in.

Greed is a different story. Greed causes logic to be thrown out the window. We should all know a little about something before we criticize it and we definitely need to keep our law makers in check. You would think we, as citizens, would take this roll more seriously and not just blindly throw out condemnation. However, records like this sell. Green Day knows and so does System of a Down. It is obvious to me that System of a Down is ignoring their intellectual fan base by playing to their lowest common denominator. I would say, "Why do the poor always take the bait? Why do they always believe a fake?"

Is it true that the U.S. sends their poor to fight wars? Let's examine. Our military is a voluntary one. A soldier, rich or poor, has no one to blame but themselves. The System obviously don't care. If a soldier is fighting it's because he chose to. Let's educate the Down folks further.

Why would someone volunteer? The Montgomery G.I. pays soldiers' college tuition for joining. So if you can't afford college, you're poor perhaps, then the Military provides a way to get a paycheck and go to school all on the governments dime. So, logic, which has already been thrown out the window, would account for the higher percentage of lower income people in the military. This brings up another interesting problem that our Military is facing, soldiers who are either refusing to do their duty or complaining about it and bringing the Military into litigation. It has come down to soldiers who are lazy and want a free ride. They want to do their time in service and then get out and let Uncle Sam pay them. Another one of my lyrics would be, "Why do the lazy volunteer? Are they too good now for welfare?"

It's a pity that the System of the Down has taken their unique sound and used it to distort the truth and breed an anti-government mentality for the next generation. It's a pity that some bright minds don't think for themselves. I still hold hope for a punk or metal band that will entice with some intelligence.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Ebonic Translation....

"Where Christ is in all this crisis?"-Public Enemy, He Got Game: 1998.

It's a good question. Doubt is normal and questions indicate that the search has not been abandoned. I was amazed to learn, the benefits of hurricanes while watching the Discovery Channel. We hear of their destructive nature and see images of death and catastrophe on television during hurricane season but what we don't readily know is that farmers in these coastal areas rely on them to bring in moisture and nutrients to their crops. We would doom ourselves to starvation if our meteorologists where to one day learn to eliminate hurricanes. I never had an answer to why there are hurricanes until now. Where's God? He's providing food for the world by bringing sustenance to the world's crops.

What about school shootings, domestic violence, other crimes? Where's God? He's not in the hearts of those who commit theses acts. These are the results of sin in people's lives and man is to blame for that. Did God cause the woman to drink and drive? That was her choice and had she made a better one the family in the van she hit might still have their father. Is that a good example?
Well, this kind of thing happens everyday. Take your pick of examples.

I am shocked how people who profess an unbelief in God will quickly shed their non-belief to blame God or to ask for help in a time of duress. Humm. "Where Christ in all this crisis?" He'’s cleaning up the mess. I'’ll leave it to you to find the joy in the wake of devastation. Romans 8:28 "“And we know that in all things God is working for the good of those whom love God and are called according to his purpose". Let me point you in the right direction. Look for the good in the good that came from the Columbine shootings. Look for the good that came about after the Tsunami in Indonesia. Look for the good in that person you can't stand. Look for good because good is pursuing you. Ephesians 1:11 "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory"

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Why does it always take Dr. David Banner so long to become enraged to the point that he transforms himself into the Incredible Hulk? Is he some sort of Zen scientist that only gets enraged when his Feng Shui is off kilter? If Taco Bell messes up my order, I'm already green.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Fainting Goat Update!

Mike has commented with a video link about fainting goats in my Today's Scene column about these nervous oddities. Check out the video here.

Today's Random Thought

What is it about the Vietnamese that predisposes them to nail care? And why do my hands look like snarly paws that have been foraging in a land fill somewhere?

Today's Invention

The Digital Life

The DL idea that I created would be a media storage device like an IPod or something similar that can store pictures, video, text files and audio. The idea is similar to the Time Capsule phenomenon that haunts us at High School reunions. All the seniors who are graduating put a little reminder of their high school days into a box that isn't opened until their 10 year class reunion. The DL is based on this principle but the media that is recorded is a collection of memories of a person's life; childhood photos, recordings of them singing their kid to sleep, video of a graduation, a picture shaking the hand of the company boss, or poem that was written, that all can be laid to rest with a person when they die. It would be like a digital tombstone.

The Digital Life has other purposes that aren't so morose. They can be incorporated into the construction of buildings with the life history of the structure's name sake. The J. Edger Hoover FBI Building might, for example, could have a DL unit installed in the foyer of the building and another one somewhere else more permanent. These units would be historical, educational, and act as a digital ID for the building. My idea can be thought of as a Black Box for life.

Today's Random Thought

I wonder if we all could recall alien abductions if we were all hypnotized and asked just the right questions?

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Jesus Saves Over-passes too

I've never understood religious graffiti.

It's not like a crop circle where sometime during the night "Jesus Saves" mysteriously appears spray painted on a bridge or wall and everyone is awe struck. No one is going to make a pilgrimage from far away lands to witness it like they would if it was the Honey Bun likeness of Mother Teresa.

It's also not a Tag letting outsiders know what gang's turf they're on or who loves who forever. No, graffiti is graffiti and you can't solve a problem by creating another. I know Jesus Saves but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want that defacing peoples' property.

I was in a Books-A-Million this weekend where I noticed that management had marked out all the graffiti in the restroom but left the image of the Holy Bible that someone etched in the wall in retaliation for the multitude of F Bombs scattered around the urinals and sinks. It's not that I find it odd that we regard some graffiti more sacred than other, but that we regard some as sacred at all.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Have you ever noticed how those MTV Spring Break shows only have beautiful people on them? Once, and I can't say for sure because it was in the background, but I thought I saw their security staff roughing up an ugly couple for trying to get in.

Today's Scene

Today scene requires a brief explanation. There is a breed of goat that faints when startled.

God has such a sense of humor, I love Him. There is even an organization dedicated to their care, The International Fainting Goat Association. Check out their logo.......

You will understand the significance of the logo after watching this short video.

Enough, now, with the background. Today's scene is set at the dawn of time. God has set Adam down to name the beasts of the earth. One by one the animals line up to receive their special name. Afterwards, they huddle together to share their names with each other. The Skunk, Porcupine, and Fainting Goat have gathered under The Tree of Life to discuss their new names.

Porcupine: Black furry thing, what is your name?

Skunk: I'm called Skunk and I have this really cool natural defense mechanism that helps me defend myself against my enemies. I just bend over and spray them with this horrible smelling liquid. What's your name?

Porcupine: I'm called Porcupine and my defense mechanism are these sharp quills that stab predators when they get close. What's your name hoofed thing with horns?

Fainting Goat: My name is Fainting Goat and my natural defense is to pass out in front of predators.

Skunk: That's all you got! Big furry thing with teeth is chasing you and you just pass out? You are so extinct!

That's today's scene.

Today's Random Thought.

I helped out a guy today in our store whose eyeballs where all black! They were kind of sunk back into his head and his eyelids were really narrow. He looked like a demon!

New tunes for tired ears

I don't usually find new music that I dig for more than a week. I find all my stuff on line for the most part. Radio is dead! Although, I am seriously considering Satellite Radio as an option. It seems like everytime I turn on the radio it's playing the same songs it played twenty minutes ago. Or, it's playing Bush, StoneTemplePiolts, or Metallica. That was cool in 95, but it's a little played now. Sorry, Metallica fans.

I spend my lunch hour in Barnes and Noble's music department listening to cds to satiate my lust for music. I stumbled across Soul Coughing's ex-frontman, Mike Doughty's solo project, "Haughty Melodic".

I'm not attempting to imply that you might like him. My job is to bait the hook. Everyone is different, but at least give him a listen. You can sample his stuff here. His Beatnik lyrical style is unique and his voice is very engaging.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Today's Free Flow

The Pebble---started on 3-18-05

Each day this pebble grows smaller, closing in around me, and thickening the air.

The stars here are like key holes out through eternity I stare.

And some days I look out theses eyes like I’m looking through prison bars.

Walking the pebble like I’m walking prison yards.

The pebble pushes up the harder I push down.

So I’ve learned to tread tenderly over this rugged ground.

It’s a rut that I walk ‘til my feet are sore.

A place to put my foot where my foot has been before.

Until the day the pebble mixes with the clay no more night and no more day.

Today's Invention

The invisible Play Pen

This invention is very similar to The Foul Ball Alert that I invented. They both use RFID technology to locate and identify things attached to a tiny transmitter/detector. It is the same technoloy that libraries use to protect their books from theives. You might have spotted the antenna tucked into the spine of your book.

The Invisible Play Pen uses this same idea to monitor children. The antenna above is placed on a child and the parameters on the receiver are set according to the area that you are monitoring. For example, the parent or guardian can set it to monitor a backyard or a playground sized area. An alarm is sounded on the reciever when the child wanders outside of the preset parameters. The distance that is protected can be a short as a few inches to as far as 300 feet.

There are many uses for this device and uses that aren't just limited to children either. This would be a good solution for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients, pet, and property owners.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Citizen E

Last night I realized that my childhood Rosebud is Snoopy my stuffed dog.

Typhoid Mary?

I wanted a salad for lunch so I went to Kroger because they have a good salad bar but I was stopped at the door by a guy in a wheel chair selling baked goods and I couldn't tell I didn't want his baked goods because he didn't have a licence to sell baked goods and how clean were his hands when he made them or if he made them at all because someone else could have done the cooking and how well does doe he really know the cook and what if the wheel chair is a hoax and he's actually spreading something like a modern day Typhoid Mary so I ignored him which is sad I know but I didn't want to tell him what I really thought because it might hurt his feelings so I shuffled on by him and then I stopped dead in my tracks because I thought the same could be said about the salad bar because I don't know how long the salad dressing has been out what if it was left out for a couple of hours before they iced it down so I got a Lunchable instead and I was building the story I'd tell the wheelchair guy but he wasn't in his wheelchair it was just sitting there, there I knew it! I just wanted a salad.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Today's Scene

Have you been properly introduced to the "Bill Pen"? I haven't. It usually makes a brief appearance when I pay for something if I pay with twenty dollar bill. It comes out just long enough to scribble on my currency and then it retreats back to its den under the cash register. I've seen Punxsutawney Phil on a sunshiny day for longer periods of time. It seems there is no time for a formal introduction. On occasion I've seen the pen when I had a fifty, but having a fifty dollar bill to spend is rare. I'm more likely to spot the "Bill Pen" when I use a twenty. It's a little embarrassing when you get a clerk with a flair for the dramatic. No sooner have you laid the twenty down, when he/she has begun scribbling on it hoping to reveal you as a counterfeiter.

So Today's Scene has me at the front of a long line in the grocery store. Today is one of those rare occasions when I have a fifty dollar bill. It's really too bad to because my items just total ten dollars. "I wish I had something smaller," I say, "but this will have to do". The cashier raises an eye brow over me and scribbles across the fifty with the "Bill Pen". It's clean, to her obvious disappointment, so she hands me my change. Two twenties. I take a moment. I raise my eye brow. I take out my "Bill Pen". It's clean this time, so I take my bags and leave. That's Today's Scene.

Today's Random Thought

Today I helped "X" pick out a pair of shoes for a wedding and, to my surprise, hell didn't freeze over nor did the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse swoop down to scourge the earth.

Today's Invention

Pump Pants

I invented Pump Pants to provide extra protection for the high impact life style. Pump pants are made out of lycra and spandex and include air bladders which are sewn into all the contact points like knees and hips. The pants come with a hand pump which enables the user to increase or decrease the amount of air in each bladder depending on preference or activity. This innovation can also be added to a shirt or body suit design.

Sports that would be affect include football, baseball, rock climbing, surfing, and ect,. Pump pants have the added benefit of doubling as a flotation device for those water sports enthusiast.

There are also many different occupations that could benefit as well, like law enforcement, construction, mining and ect,.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Today's Invention

The Filla Buster

The Filla Buster I invented is a special digital media recorder that is design especially for Law Enforcement Adgents in the field. The Filla Buster aids the officer by providing a medium to record data that may be useful later such as licence plate numbers, pictures of suspicious vehicles, or audio and video recordings of crime scenes. Bascially, it's a digital voice recorder and digital camera in one. The Filla Buster's main function is to collect audio or video that an officer comes in contact with everyday.

For example, abandoned cars. We see them everyday as we drive to and from our various destinations. They become so common place that they are often ignored. A Police Officer driving along on his/her beat might take a picture, record the time of day and a brief description. It would be quick and it might be just the thing that breaks a case wide open. This method would be repeated as neccassary, and at the officer's descretion, during his shift. The Filla Buster could also be used to collect audio and video data during an interrogation, bust or it could activated to record a chase. This kind of data collection could be very helpful during court proceedings.

The size would need to be small enough to fit on an agent's shoulder straps or belts. This is an example of what I had in mind.

Click here for an article about the picture above.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Patent No. 4,043,329

*** The following post is for mature audiences only ***
(What is meant by mature is NO GIGGLERS!)

I was getting my softball uniform ready in preparation for tomorrow's game when I noticed something about my equipment that had previously escaped my attention. Emblazoned across my protective cup is, "Patent No. 4,043,329". I had never thought about a protective cup being patented. I always thought they'd been around since ancient times. I've seen pictures of ancient Roman soldiers wearing similar equipment on the History Channel, so I could only assume that this wasn't a new invention. So I went to the United States Patent web site and to my surprise the patent is dated 1976! That would explain why there haven't been any ancient cups unearthed in any archeological digs!

My curiosity was far from being satiated. I wondered what other devices necessity had mothered before the cup. Evidently the Urological Drape was more important, Patent No. 4,043,328. It beat the cup's invention by 15 days. The Waterproof cast protector, Patent No. 4,043,326,
"A flexible covering for placement over an individual's injured limb having a cast or bandage"
When my little brother broke his arm my mom used something similar on him except she called it a Trash Bag! We couldn't afford special medical supplies, not when we could make them. Had she only patented the Trash Bag we'd be rich! You can do a search at the top of this blog for past posts of my regular column, Today's Invention by typing in "Today's Invention" in the field provided. They may never be patented and they may never be as good as the Protective Cup, but come on, I know my stuff is better than the Urological Drape!

Bumper Stickers Kill!

Add this to the growing list of things that cause traffic accidents....Bumpstickers in 0.2 font. Witty bumper stickers are funny and can entertain you along your journey, but, hey, please make them pithy! I spent 20 minutes tailgating a guy on the highway trying to read his bumper sticker. It had two paragraphs written on it!! I half expected to see it start off, "Call me Ishmael", when I finally got close enough to read it. Whatever happen to the short zingers, " We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?", "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.", or " So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute."

I do admit that I am part of the problem. I just can't help but rubber-neck when I see a bumper sticker. It's not just me; it's human nature. Peope want to be able to read them as they drive by. So, I have learned from this and I am planning on profitting from it with my own bumber sticker:
"If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"

A sad tune

I can't explain it, but I am affected more by sad songs than any other. It's not entirely the words , I don't think. I believe it is the tone or maybe the image that is envoked in my mind that affects me so deeply. I play guitar as much as I can and I write songs as much as I can, but in this time I haven't penned but a small fist full of songs that didn't have a dolefulness about them.

My guitar is tuned Celtic style, which can I explain? Imagine yourself looking over a pond or lake on an cloudy day. The wind is blowing and there isn't a soul around. That's how my guitar makes me feel and that is exactly how a sad song makes me feel as well. They provide a visual. I don't get a picture in my mind's eye when I here other songs. Now, I like a good kick-in-the-gut-jam to coax be into my mourning routine or to fire me up while I'm jogging. But my Being is in synch with the melancholy side of life. Maybe someone has a better explantion but I think it's because sadness it the only true lasting emotion and I'm intune with it. For example can you think of a time when you were happy all week. Now think of the times you've been sad all week. Which lasted the week, sadness or happiness?

Check the Quotable E!

One of my favorite parts of my blog is the Quotable E, which I add to regularly. There will always be a permenant link under my LINKS section on the right hand side of the screen. The newest posts are towards the bottom, so check it out from time to time.

My wife and I are expecting! You should've known!

We found out on April the 27th but kept it quiet because we wanted to make the annoucement closer to Mother's Day. My wife and I took a vow of silence. So, in silence I posted a clue. I'm surprised no one figured it out.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Jewel writes horrible poetry so does Billy Corgan. Someone pay me, shoot, even Hitler had a best seller.

Today's Invention

New saying.....

"That's Trump!"
-Used when referring to something extravagant. Named for Donald Trump. Definition includes all variations of this phrase.

This "Trump" template can be used a varity of ways. All you would have to do is insert a name depending on the meaning that you are seeking. Here's an example:

"That's Chappelle!"
-Used when referring to something or someone who is crazy or mentally disturbed. Definition includes all variations of this phrase.

Ex. "I had a friend in highschool that dropped so much acid that he went Chappelle one day and buried himself up to his chin because he thought he was a Daisy.

The "Trump" template isn't limited to Celebrities. For example:


-Used when referring to an expression that is flattened or Pug like.

Ex. "She looked better before the nose job. Now she is all Pugged out."

Your turn now. Post a comment with your own inventions and examples.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Today's Invention

Coconut Caramel Hershey's Kisses

Take Hershey's Caramel filled Kisses and roll them in warm toasted coconut.

If you aren't standing up for America then you're the problem!

"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice…. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue"

-Barry M. Goldwater, accepting Republican presidential nomination July 16, 1964

So you hate America? Then leave! What do you love? How far would you go to protect something you love? You'd fight for your child or a family member wouldn't you? But your country isn't important? Leave! Take your pink panties with you because we aren't a nation of helpless little girls. France could use you.

You don't like wars? Who does? How do you think we got here? Get a library card and read a little history. War is terrible but needed sometimes. Unfortunately, America has the only Army whose soldiers don't believe in war! They just join the military so Uncle Sam will pay for their education then complain when they are asked to fulfill their end of the bargain. Heaven forbid they actually have to fire a weapon!

So you say America is an imperialist superpower? We are the world leader in humanitarian aid. Take that away and you'd be right. All the other countries that count on our handouts would wither. Just leave. You are apart of the problem. Please leave.

You think we are too hard on criminals? So you like your taxes dollars going to furnish prisons with cable TV, education programs, and funding for inmates' friviouls lawsuits? It amounts to adult child support, but these "children" we are supporting are criminals.

Open up America's borders? Borders, language, and culture define a country and when we loose that we loose our indentity. The Mexican border is virtually an open gate. Almost every election ballot America, now, is being printed in multiple languages. And our American culture is being attacked daily in the court rooms. "In God We Trust" on our currency, the Pledge of Allgience, and the 10 Commandmants are all issues being battled right now in our Judicial system. ACLU put your skirt on! Soon you'll get your wish, a country full of girl-armed, hopscotchers!

Please, Please leave. France needs you!

Today's Free Flow

Nashville Trip Memory

Hand in hand, gliding across city streets.
I looked down at our feet and saw they were synching.
It was all coming together the puzzle pieces were fitting.
All through this day we were agreeing.
But the sky had its differences.
The air became thick and wet, though it was not raining.
But still it was enough because puddles were forming.
We had the same thoughts.
So we moved along dodging canvas awnings drippings.
From store to store through Nashville’s 21st street Village exploring.

Acronym I'm glad I don't have.

I was listening to a segment on NPR about obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as I was driving home from work. The story was being told by a teenager who had grown up with it. The kid felt a compulsion to make things even or symmetrical. If he touched something with his right hand he would also have to touch it with his left hand. This kind of compulsion permeated every aspect of his life. Here's where the weird gets freaky. The kid would make his sentences symmetrical as well by repeating them backwards. I'm thinking what kind of Bobby Fisher like freak can do this? But he demonstrated it without any hesitation and it made my hair stand on end. It was like the Beatles' White album where you play it backwards and hear," Paul is dead, miss him, miss him". I wish I had the audio to share with you because ynnuf dednuos ti. seitrap ta nuf era sredco teb I.

P.S. Paul was the Walrus

Friday, May 13, 2005

A public apology would be candy!

My brother-in-law has once again pee’'d in my pool. He took my post about the Widespread Panic concert that I went to and twisted it into something vile! May my vengeance purify the waters you have fouled brother-in-law!

This is my original picture.

This is my brother-in-law's perversion of it.

Today's Random Thought

NPR (National Public Radio) likes to boast that some of their sponsorship comes from organizations that research the causes of homelessness in America. I don't have the dollars to spend on research, but I have a theory. The root cause of homelessness in America is people who don't have homes.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

MP3 Blogs

MP3 blogs are starting to pop up here and there. Here is a good article on the matter and below are a few to get your feet wet. Check them out.

Largeheated Boy
Mystical Beast
The Tufo Hut

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

What does my brother-in-law + Photoshop + alot of free time equal?

This is what happens when my brother-in-law gets a hold of a picture of me. Sorry, Jews, I didn't do this. Oh, and goats too. This picture doesn't make them look good either. This is exactly how THEY framed Oswald. Take this picture put a gun in my hand, prop me up against a grassy knoll and you have yourself a third gunnmen.

Today's Invention

Today's Invention is brought to you by guest inventor Mike M.

"What about a gas/electric car, but instead of plugging it in you have a windmill type thing that would charge a battery while you went down the road"?

Good idea Mike!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Today's Invention

Foul Ball Alert

I thought of this after my brother-in-law nailed my mother-in-law with a foul ball during a church league softball game. He fouled it straight up and over the fence along the first base line. The stands sit just on the other side. She didn't see it in time and didn't hear our shouts of warning. This kind of thing happens two or three times during a game; it’s common place. Enter The Foul Ball Alert. It is a softball fitted with RFID. It's the spiraled looking device on the right. You'd recognize it as the gadget placed in library books to prevent naughty Brainiacs from stealing Pride and Prejudice and other books.

The RFID tag is small enough and thin enough to fit under the covering of a softball or baseball. Antennas can be placed around the top of the fences of the ball park and an alarm is sounded when a foul ball is popped up in their vicinity. Think of it as hitting that copy of Pride and Prejudice through those annoying stalls at the entrance to your public library.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Ancient Chinese Proverb? What about something a little more recent? Do modern Chinese not have anything good to say?

Today's Invention

The Super Packet

Are you as frustrated as I am about the amount of catsup fast foods restaurants give you at the drive through? I know we’re not talking world peace here! Yes, there are bigger issues in the world to be bent out of shape about, but not at this very moment. At this very moment I need catsup for my fries. And I’m going to need more than two packets of catsup for my large order of fries, ok? I burned those two on just four fries. You might say that I should have had the forethought to ask for extras. Ok, let’s go down that path, but I must warn you that I’ve been down it before. I have been given fists full of extras, but with this another problem surfaces. I call it the “catsup dance”. It is the long, monotonous act of extracting the condiment from the catsup packets. The dance can turn a quick meal into a full hour affair. Each packet, from my best estimate, can satisfy three fries.

See, this isn’t going to cut it.

We are talking big numbers here if I decide on the large order of fries. My ancestors were hunter-gathers; I am not. The last animal I killed, I stepped on and I picked it up with a Kleenex tissue and flushed it. You see, I don’t want to have to work for my food and that’s why I’m at a fast food joint! So, today’s invention or re-invention is the Super Packet.
The Super Packet is similar to what we are used to at the drive though window, now, except each has the capacity to hold 4 ounces of catsup. Catsup producers should, at the very least, consider putting catsup in the same size packets as they put some of their other condiments.

It's only fair.

Today's Free Flow

I’m going to shed some light on a spotless mind.
To remind me of things I’ve left behind.
I’m going to shine a light down a deep dark hole.
Illuminate memories from long ago.
I’m going to search things out.
Seems there is always more to me to learn about.
We all have whales that we are pursuing.
And this one’s mine; it’s of my choosing.

So I’ll discard those traits we share and everything else I’ll compare.
I see you and how you move.
But what makes you do the things you do?
In the same situation you zig, I zag.
There’re more questions to ask and more answers to question.
I should start over and let new experience be my lesson.
I can’t find what’s not there in this spotless mind.
Things once wiped clean I will never find.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Widespread Panic!!!

This is the last show of Widespread Panic's spring tour. I bought the ticket when they first went on sale a couple of months ago; it's a sold out show now. The web shows these tickets being scalped for anywhere between $98 and $168. I will be updating this article with pictures from the parking lot scene and from the show as things happen!

Ok, so here we go! It's Sunday now and I'm still recovering for my sleep deficeit. I got back into town at 3 am and I couldn't just sleep in because I had church to go to. The pictures that follow were taken with a camera phone; Olan Mills it's not.

These are my buddies Jon and Aundrea. We were grabbing chow at the Mellow Mushroom. If you are in Asheville, it's a must.

The local hotels were packed with Heads. Everybody there was just diggn' being there and seeing other Heads.

The Lot Scene was impressive. People with something to sell had staked out prime spots in parking lot to sell pipes, beer, tee shirts, stickers, food, and nitrous. It's amazing that some of this can go on despite the obvious legality.


Show Time!!!!!!

The night ended after two sets and a 4 song encore.

Today's Random Thought

Sometimes I dream with my eyes open in the minutes right before I fall asleep. I can't explain it.

Today's Invention

Subliminal Web Pages

I believe it is possible to incorporate subliminal messgages into websites. I've spoken with a programmer who has said that it is doable. However, this idea is still under construction at this time. I'll update this article as progress is made.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Today's Random Thought.

I believe there is a way that a hacker could pick the next American Idol. All they would have to do is write a program that would continually text message the number for their favorite idol.

Accident waiting to happen!

This is a shot of my bathroom counter. Do you understand now why I have Poison Control on speed dial. Same sort of think happend when I accidently brushed my teeth with hydrocortisone. The toothpaste was laying right next to the tube of anti-itch cream.

Monday, May 02, 2005

How 'bout we just put a target on our foreheads?


Add "easily accessible satellite maps of our nation's capital" to our list of "things Americans do that gets them dumped on". And yes, that is the White House in both pictures. How stupid is this? Well, check it out and see. You're in here too!

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Today's Invention


Ok, I didn’t invent disappointment but I’m feeling it right now. I just found out that Audi has implemented one of my ideas into their current line of luxury cars. Audi is now including SD slots as an option in some of their cars. I had this very idea a year and a half ago. I’m not even going to pretend that I had this idea first but I did predict that the portable storage industry was heading in this direction. Now, I probably wasn’t the only one to think of this application a year ago, nor the first, but it’s good to know my thinking was on the right track.

Today's Scene

Today’s scene takes us to the starting line of the NHRA drag racing quarter-finals where a reporter is interviewing ,”Candy”, one of the few female drivers in the sport. The reporter has just a few minutes before she gets the green light, so he shouted a couple questions over the roar of the engines.

Reporter: “Do you feel that you have something to prove out here to the male drivers in drag racing”?

Candy: “No. Women have come a long way in sports and this is just another example. We can do anything a man can do”.

Reporter: “What about the stereotypes of a women driver? Do the other drivers joke about it”?

Candy (laughing): “Ya, some do but they’re jealous. I just let my driving do the talking”.

Reporter: “Alright, good luck to you Candy”.

The scene is framed now from the perspective of the press box. “Candy’s” car is in the foreground slightly obscuring her opponent’s car. The starting lights begin the count down to green. The scene switches and is now being viewed on TV from the live footage of one of the cable stations. The engines are revving in anticipation. The lights go green! “Candy’s” opponent gets a good start. “Candy” punches the accelerator and goes from 0 to 60 in just a split second but in reverse crashing into the grand stand. That’s today’s scene.