Saturday, September 30, 2006

Today's B-Movie

Death by the Second Ring

(Adapted from true events in my life. The names have been left out to protect.....well, to protect me, actually, from spending nights on the couch.)

The women are as scared as Chicken Little. If they call each other and don't get an answer by the second ring then they assume that everyone is dead. They are like nervous lap dogs that tinkle themelsves when the leaves rustle.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Today's Random Thought

I think that a fear of flying would severely limit career advancement for a pilot.

Sharks, fire, electricty, and now mountain highways.

I just realized something while watching World Travler . Lonely mountain roads frighten me. Maybe what frightens me is Montana. No, no, I'm pretty sure it's just the road. Oh, and if it's cold, that magnifies the spook factor. Man, if there was an electric shark somewhere on the side of the road I'd wet my pants. Add fire and that would round out the top four on my list of fears. Mountain roads is a new addition. I'm glad I just learned this. This makes me happy. Now I can start avoiding them.

Monday, September 25, 2006

We need a new unit of measurement

The sign says 45 miles an hour but I rarely spend a full hour in transit. It takes me 17 minutes to get to work. Man, don't make me do fractions. So how fast do I need to go? 17 minutes into an hour.....ah screw it!

I get a hour for lunch but I just go across street for coffee and so now on my way back I see a 55 mph sign. It's mocking me saying, hey, you could've been somewhere cool 55 miles away from here.

Today's Invention

Litter Buster Road Rage Enhancer

The guy I'm tailgating decides to turn without signaling and I come close to putting another crack in his backside. I'm rolling down my window to throw my beverage at him when I am seized by a sobering thought,"Man, that would be littering. That's irresponsible. And that's not me." So to remedy my careless tendencies I have rigged a 12 oz. can of my favorite soda with a string to retract it if it finds itself airborne.

Today's Random Thought

The Pope recently apologized for some comments he made about Muslims. Apologized? Man, whatever happened to the Pope being infallible?

Today's Random Thought

If you are talking to me and I suddenly close my eyes, don't be sad. I'm only temporarily unavailable. I'll be back soon.

Today's Invention

If you were going to smuggle illegal peanut butter into the country in a RV it would be best to store it on a moving conveyor hidden somewhere in the chassis. The peanut sniffing dog will smell it then sit to indicate its location but it won't be there. It would've moved on.

Today's Scene

I walked in front of a lady at the grocery store and she said, "You almost hit me!"
I thought, "Ah, man!, Almost is not good enough. Can I have a second chance?"

Monday, September 18, 2006

Today's Random Thought

After years of situps, side bends and crunches there remains no noticeable change in my love handles. What I've come to realize is that I've developed a set of love handles that, though still hideous, can stomp a mud hole in your love handles.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Today's Random Thought

Today I ate Power Bar and sat back down in front of my computer. I should call it a Potential Bar.

Today's Random Thought

I saw a sign, "No felony trespassing". That made me happy because I'm a Trespasser with only good intentions. That did not apply to me.