Saturday, May 28, 2005

Jesus Saves Over-passes too

I've never understood religious graffiti.

It's not like a crop circle where sometime during the night "Jesus Saves" mysteriously appears spray painted on a bridge or wall and everyone is awe struck. No one is going to make a pilgrimage from far away lands to witness it like they would if it was the Honey Bun likeness of Mother Teresa.

It's also not a Tag letting outsiders know what gang's turf they're on or who loves who forever. No, graffiti is graffiti and you can't solve a problem by creating another. I know Jesus Saves but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want that defacing peoples' property.

I was in a Books-A-Million this weekend where I noticed that management had marked out all the graffiti in the restroom but left the image of the Holy Bible that someone etched in the wall in retaliation for the multitude of F Bombs scattered around the urinals and sinks. It's not that I find it odd that we regard some graffiti more sacred than other, but that we regard some as sacred at all.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Have you ever noticed how those MTV Spring Break shows only have beautiful people on them? Once, and I can't say for sure because it was in the background, but I thought I saw their security staff roughing up an ugly couple for trying to get in.

Today's Scene

Today scene requires a brief explanation. There is a breed of goat that faints when startled.

God has such a sense of humor, I love Him. There is even an organization dedicated to their care, The International Fainting Goat Association. Check out their logo.......

You will understand the significance of the logo after watching this short video.

Enough, now, with the background. Today's scene is set at the dawn of time. God has set Adam down to name the beasts of the earth. One by one the animals line up to receive their special name. Afterwards, they huddle together to share their names with each other. The Skunk, Porcupine, and Fainting Goat have gathered under The Tree of Life to discuss their new names.

Porcupine: Black furry thing, what is your name?

Skunk: I'm called Skunk and I have this really cool natural defense mechanism that helps me defend myself against my enemies. I just bend over and spray them with this horrible smelling liquid. What's your name?

Porcupine: I'm called Porcupine and my defense mechanism are these sharp quills that stab predators when they get close. What's your name hoofed thing with horns?

Fainting Goat: My name is Fainting Goat and my natural defense is to pass out in front of predators.

Skunk: That's all you got! Big furry thing with teeth is chasing you and you just pass out? You are so extinct!

That's today's scene.

Today's Random Thought.

I helped out a guy today in our store whose eyeballs where all black! They were kind of sunk back into his head and his eyelids were really narrow. He looked like a demon!

New tunes for tired ears

I don't usually find new music that I dig for more than a week. I find all my stuff on line for the most part. Radio is dead! Although, I am seriously considering Satellite Radio as an option. It seems like everytime I turn on the radio it's playing the same songs it played twenty minutes ago. Or, it's playing Bush, StoneTemplePiolts, or Metallica. That was cool in 95, but it's a little played now. Sorry, Metallica fans.

I spend my lunch hour in Barnes and Noble's music department listening to cds to satiate my lust for music. I stumbled across Soul Coughing's ex-frontman, Mike Doughty's solo project, "Haughty Melodic".

I'm not attempting to imply that you might like him. My job is to bait the hook. Everyone is different, but at least give him a listen. You can sample his stuff here. His Beatnik lyrical style is unique and his voice is very engaging.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Today's Free Flow

The Pebble---started on 3-18-05

Each day this pebble grows smaller, closing in around me, and thickening the air.

The stars here are like key holes out through eternity I stare.

And some days I look out theses eyes like I’m looking through prison bars.

Walking the pebble like I’m walking prison yards.

The pebble pushes up the harder I push down.

So I’ve learned to tread tenderly over this rugged ground.

It’s a rut that I walk ‘til my feet are sore.

A place to put my foot where my foot has been before.

Until the day the pebble mixes with the clay no more night and no more day.

Today's Invention

The invisible Play Pen

This invention is very similar to The Foul Ball Alert that I invented. They both use RFID technology to locate and identify things attached to a tiny transmitter/detector. It is the same technoloy that libraries use to protect their books from theives. You might have spotted the antenna tucked into the spine of your book.

The Invisible Play Pen uses this same idea to monitor children. The antenna above is placed on a child and the parameters on the receiver are set according to the area that you are monitoring. For example, the parent or guardian can set it to monitor a backyard or a playground sized area. An alarm is sounded on the reciever when the child wanders outside of the preset parameters. The distance that is protected can be a short as a few inches to as far as 300 feet.

There are many uses for this device and uses that aren't just limited to children either. This would be a good solution for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients, pet, and property owners.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Citizen E

Last night I realized that my childhood Rosebud is Snoopy my stuffed dog.

Typhoid Mary?

I wanted a salad for lunch so I went to Kroger because they have a good salad bar but I was stopped at the door by a guy in a wheel chair selling baked goods and I couldn't tell I didn't want his baked goods because he didn't have a licence to sell baked goods and how clean were his hands when he made them or if he made them at all because someone else could have done the cooking and how well does doe he really know the cook and what if the wheel chair is a hoax and he's actually spreading something like a modern day Typhoid Mary so I ignored him which is sad I know but I didn't want to tell him what I really thought because it might hurt his feelings so I shuffled on by him and then I stopped dead in my tracks because I thought the same could be said about the salad bar because I don't know how long the salad dressing has been out what if it was left out for a couple of hours before they iced it down so I got a Lunchable instead and I was building the story I'd tell the wheelchair guy but he wasn't in his wheelchair it was just sitting there, there I knew it! I just wanted a salad.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Today's Scene

Have you been properly introduced to the "Bill Pen"? I haven't. It usually makes a brief appearance when I pay for something if I pay with twenty dollar bill. It comes out just long enough to scribble on my currency and then it retreats back to its den under the cash register. I've seen Punxsutawney Phil on a sunshiny day for longer periods of time. It seems there is no time for a formal introduction. On occasion I've seen the pen when I had a fifty, but having a fifty dollar bill to spend is rare. I'm more likely to spot the "Bill Pen" when I use a twenty. It's a little embarrassing when you get a clerk with a flair for the dramatic. No sooner have you laid the twenty down, when he/she has begun scribbling on it hoping to reveal you as a counterfeiter.

So Today's Scene has me at the front of a long line in the grocery store. Today is one of those rare occasions when I have a fifty dollar bill. It's really too bad to because my items just total ten dollars. "I wish I had something smaller," I say, "but this will have to do". The cashier raises an eye brow over me and scribbles across the fifty with the "Bill Pen". It's clean, to her obvious disappointment, so she hands me my change. Two twenties. I take a moment. I raise my eye brow. I take out my "Bill Pen". It's clean this time, so I take my bags and leave. That's Today's Scene.

Today's Random Thought

Today I helped "X" pick out a pair of shoes for a wedding and, to my surprise, hell didn't freeze over nor did the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse swoop down to scourge the earth.

Today's Invention

Pump Pants

I invented Pump Pants to provide extra protection for the high impact life style. Pump pants are made out of lycra and spandex and include air bladders which are sewn into all the contact points like knees and hips. The pants come with a hand pump which enables the user to increase or decrease the amount of air in each bladder depending on preference or activity. This innovation can also be added to a shirt or body suit design.

Sports that would be affect include football, baseball, rock climbing, surfing, and ect,. Pump pants have the added benefit of doubling as a flotation device for those water sports enthusiast.

There are also many different occupations that could benefit as well, like law enforcement, construction, mining and ect,.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Today's Invention

The Filla Buster

The Filla Buster I invented is a special digital media recorder that is design especially for Law Enforcement Adgents in the field. The Filla Buster aids the officer by providing a medium to record data that may be useful later such as licence plate numbers, pictures of suspicious vehicles, or audio and video recordings of crime scenes. Bascially, it's a digital voice recorder and digital camera in one. The Filla Buster's main function is to collect audio or video that an officer comes in contact with everyday.

For example, abandoned cars. We see them everyday as we drive to and from our various destinations. They become so common place that they are often ignored. A Police Officer driving along on his/her beat might take a picture, record the time of day and a brief description. It would be quick and it might be just the thing that breaks a case wide open. This method would be repeated as neccassary, and at the officer's descretion, during his shift. The Filla Buster could also be used to collect audio and video data during an interrogation, bust or it could activated to record a chase. This kind of data collection could be very helpful during court proceedings.

The size would need to be small enough to fit on an agent's shoulder straps or belts. This is an example of what I had in mind.

Click here for an article about the picture above.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Patent No. 4,043,329

*** The following post is for mature audiences only ***
(What is meant by mature is NO GIGGLERS!)

I was getting my softball uniform ready in preparation for tomorrow's game when I noticed something about my equipment that had previously escaped my attention. Emblazoned across my protective cup is, "Patent No. 4,043,329". I had never thought about a protective cup being patented. I always thought they'd been around since ancient times. I've seen pictures of ancient Roman soldiers wearing similar equipment on the History Channel, so I could only assume that this wasn't a new invention. So I went to the United States Patent web site and to my surprise the patent is dated 1976! That would explain why there haven't been any ancient cups unearthed in any archeological digs!

My curiosity was far from being satiated. I wondered what other devices necessity had mothered before the cup. Evidently the Urological Drape was more important, Patent No. 4,043,328. It beat the cup's invention by 15 days. The Waterproof cast protector, Patent No. 4,043,326,
"A flexible covering for placement over an individual's injured limb having a cast or bandage"
When my little brother broke his arm my mom used something similar on him except she called it a Trash Bag! We couldn't afford special medical supplies, not when we could make them. Had she only patented the Trash Bag we'd be rich! You can do a search at the top of this blog for past posts of my regular column, Today's Invention by typing in "Today's Invention" in the field provided. They may never be patented and they may never be as good as the Protective Cup, but come on, I know my stuff is better than the Urological Drape!

Bumper Stickers Kill!

Add this to the growing list of things that cause traffic accidents....Bumpstickers in 0.2 font. Witty bumper stickers are funny and can entertain you along your journey, but, hey, please make them pithy! I spent 20 minutes tailgating a guy on the highway trying to read his bumper sticker. It had two paragraphs written on it!! I half expected to see it start off, "Call me Ishmael", when I finally got close enough to read it. Whatever happen to the short zingers, " We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?", "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.", or " So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute."

I do admit that I am part of the problem. I just can't help but rubber-neck when I see a bumper sticker. It's not just me; it's human nature. Peope want to be able to read them as they drive by. So, I have learned from this and I am planning on profitting from it with my own bumber sticker:
"If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"

A sad tune

I can't explain it, but I am affected more by sad songs than any other. It's not entirely the words , I don't think. I believe it is the tone or maybe the image that is envoked in my mind that affects me so deeply. I play guitar as much as I can and I write songs as much as I can, but in this time I haven't penned but a small fist full of songs that didn't have a dolefulness about them.

My guitar is tuned Celtic style, which can I explain? Imagine yourself looking over a pond or lake on an cloudy day. The wind is blowing and there isn't a soul around. That's how my guitar makes me feel and that is exactly how a sad song makes me feel as well. They provide a visual. I don't get a picture in my mind's eye when I here other songs. Now, I like a good kick-in-the-gut-jam to coax be into my mourning routine or to fire me up while I'm jogging. But my Being is in synch with the melancholy side of life. Maybe someone has a better explantion but I think it's because sadness it the only true lasting emotion and I'm intune with it. For example can you think of a time when you were happy all week. Now think of the times you've been sad all week. Which lasted the week, sadness or happiness?

Check the Quotable E!

One of my favorite parts of my blog is the Quotable E, which I add to regularly. There will always be a permenant link under my LINKS section on the right hand side of the screen. The newest posts are towards the bottom, so check it out from time to time.

My wife and I are expecting! You should've known!

We found out on April the 27th but kept it quiet because we wanted to make the annoucement closer to Mother's Day. My wife and I took a vow of silence. So, in silence I posted a clue. I'm surprised no one figured it out.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Jewel writes horrible poetry so does Billy Corgan. Someone pay me, shoot, even Hitler had a best seller.

Today's Invention

New saying.....

"That's Trump!"
-Used when referring to something extravagant. Named for Donald Trump. Definition includes all variations of this phrase.

This "Trump" template can be used a varity of ways. All you would have to do is insert a name depending on the meaning that you are seeking. Here's an example:

"That's Chappelle!"
-Used when referring to something or someone who is crazy or mentally disturbed. Definition includes all variations of this phrase.

Ex. "I had a friend in highschool that dropped so much acid that he went Chappelle one day and buried himself up to his chin because he thought he was a Daisy.

The "Trump" template isn't limited to Celebrities. For example:


-Used when referring to an expression that is flattened or Pug like.

Ex. "She looked better before the nose job. Now she is all Pugged out."

Your turn now. Post a comment with your own inventions and examples.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Today's Invention

Coconut Caramel Hershey's Kisses

Take Hershey's Caramel filled Kisses and roll them in warm toasted coconut.

If you aren't standing up for America then you're the problem!

"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice…. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue"

-Barry M. Goldwater, accepting Republican presidential nomination July 16, 1964

So you hate America? Then leave! What do you love? How far would you go to protect something you love? You'd fight for your child or a family member wouldn't you? But your country isn't important? Leave! Take your pink panties with you because we aren't a nation of helpless little girls. France could use you.

You don't like wars? Who does? How do you think we got here? Get a library card and read a little history. War is terrible but needed sometimes. Unfortunately, America has the only Army whose soldiers don't believe in war! They just join the military so Uncle Sam will pay for their education then complain when they are asked to fulfill their end of the bargain. Heaven forbid they actually have to fire a weapon!

So you say America is an imperialist superpower? We are the world leader in humanitarian aid. Take that away and you'd be right. All the other countries that count on our handouts would wither. Just leave. You are apart of the problem. Please leave.

You think we are too hard on criminals? So you like your taxes dollars going to furnish prisons with cable TV, education programs, and funding for inmates' friviouls lawsuits? It amounts to adult child support, but these "children" we are supporting are criminals.

Open up America's borders? Borders, language, and culture define a country and when we loose that we loose our indentity. The Mexican border is virtually an open gate. Almost every election ballot America, now, is being printed in multiple languages. And our American culture is being attacked daily in the court rooms. "In God We Trust" on our currency, the Pledge of Allgience, and the 10 Commandmants are all issues being battled right now in our Judicial system. ACLU put your skirt on! Soon you'll get your wish, a country full of girl-armed, hopscotchers!

Please, Please leave. France needs you!

Today's Free Flow

Nashville Trip Memory

Hand in hand, gliding across city streets.
I looked down at our feet and saw they were synching.
It was all coming together the puzzle pieces were fitting.
All through this day we were agreeing.
But the sky had its differences.
The air became thick and wet, though it was not raining.
But still it was enough because puddles were forming.
We had the same thoughts.
So we moved along dodging canvas awnings drippings.
From store to store through Nashville’s 21st street Village exploring.

Acronym I'm glad I don't have.

I was listening to a segment on NPR about obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as I was driving home from work. The story was being told by a teenager who had grown up with it. The kid felt a compulsion to make things even or symmetrical. If he touched something with his right hand he would also have to touch it with his left hand. This kind of compulsion permeated every aspect of his life. Here's where the weird gets freaky. The kid would make his sentences symmetrical as well by repeating them backwards. I'm thinking what kind of Bobby Fisher like freak can do this? But he demonstrated it without any hesitation and it made my hair stand on end. It was like the Beatles' White album where you play it backwards and hear," Paul is dead, miss him, miss him". I wish I had the audio to share with you because ynnuf dednuos ti. seitrap ta nuf era sredco teb I.

P.S. Paul was the Walrus

Friday, May 13, 2005

A public apology would be candy!

My brother-in-law has once again pee’'d in my pool. He took my post about the Widespread Panic concert that I went to and twisted it into something vile! May my vengeance purify the waters you have fouled brother-in-law!

This is my original picture.

This is my brother-in-law's perversion of it.

Today's Random Thought

NPR (National Public Radio) likes to boast that some of their sponsorship comes from organizations that research the causes of homelessness in America. I don't have the dollars to spend on research, but I have a theory. The root cause of homelessness in America is people who don't have homes.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

MP3 Blogs

MP3 blogs are starting to pop up here and there. Here is a good article on the matter and below are a few to get your feet wet. Check them out.

Largeheated Boy
Mystical Beast
The Tufo Hut

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

What does my brother-in-law + Photoshop + alot of free time equal?

This is what happens when my brother-in-law gets a hold of a picture of me. Sorry, Jews, I didn't do this. Oh, and goats too. This picture doesn't make them look good either. This is exactly how THEY framed Oswald. Take this picture put a gun in my hand, prop me up against a grassy knoll and you have yourself a third gunnmen.

Today's Invention

Today's Invention is brought to you by guest inventor Mike M.

"What about a gas/electric car, but instead of plugging it in you have a windmill type thing that would charge a battery while you went down the road"?

Good idea Mike!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Today's Invention

Foul Ball Alert

I thought of this after my brother-in-law nailed my mother-in-law with a foul ball during a church league softball game. He fouled it straight up and over the fence along the first base line. The stands sit just on the other side. She didn't see it in time and didn't hear our shouts of warning. This kind of thing happens two or three times during a game; it’s common place. Enter The Foul Ball Alert. It is a softball fitted with RFID. It's the spiraled looking device on the right. You'd recognize it as the gadget placed in library books to prevent naughty Brainiacs from stealing Pride and Prejudice and other books.

The RFID tag is small enough and thin enough to fit under the covering of a softball or baseball. Antennas can be placed around the top of the fences of the ball park and an alarm is sounded when a foul ball is popped up in their vicinity. Think of it as hitting that copy of Pride and Prejudice through those annoying stalls at the entrance to your public library.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Today's Random Thought

Ancient Chinese Proverb? What about something a little more recent? Do modern Chinese not have anything good to say?

Today's Invention

The Super Packet

Are you as frustrated as I am about the amount of catsup fast foods restaurants give you at the drive through? I know we’re not talking world peace here! Yes, there are bigger issues in the world to be bent out of shape about, but not at this very moment. At this very moment I need catsup for my fries. And I’m going to need more than two packets of catsup for my large order of fries, ok? I burned those two on just four fries. You might say that I should have had the forethought to ask for extras. Ok, let’s go down that path, but I must warn you that I’ve been down it before. I have been given fists full of extras, but with this another problem surfaces. I call it the “catsup dance”. It is the long, monotonous act of extracting the condiment from the catsup packets. The dance can turn a quick meal into a full hour affair. Each packet, from my best estimate, can satisfy three fries.

See, this isn’t going to cut it.

We are talking big numbers here if I decide on the large order of fries. My ancestors were hunter-gathers; I am not. The last animal I killed, I stepped on and I picked it up with a Kleenex tissue and flushed it. You see, I don’t want to have to work for my food and that’s why I’m at a fast food joint! So, today’s invention or re-invention is the Super Packet.
The Super Packet is similar to what we are used to at the drive though window, now, except each has the capacity to hold 4 ounces of catsup. Catsup producers should, at the very least, consider putting catsup in the same size packets as they put some of their other condiments.

It's only fair.

Today's Free Flow

I’m going to shed some light on a spotless mind.
To remind me of things I’ve left behind.
I’m going to shine a light down a deep dark hole.
Illuminate memories from long ago.
I’m going to search things out.
Seems there is always more to me to learn about.
We all have whales that we are pursuing.
And this one’s mine; it’s of my choosing.

So I’ll discard those traits we share and everything else I’ll compare.
I see you and how you move.
But what makes you do the things you do?
In the same situation you zig, I zag.
There’re more questions to ask and more answers to question.
I should start over and let new experience be my lesson.
I can’t find what’s not there in this spotless mind.
Things once wiped clean I will never find.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Widespread Panic!!!

This is the last show of Widespread Panic's spring tour. I bought the ticket when they first went on sale a couple of months ago; it's a sold out show now. The web shows these tickets being scalped for anywhere between $98 and $168. I will be updating this article with pictures from the parking lot scene and from the show as things happen!

Ok, so here we go! It's Sunday now and I'm still recovering for my sleep deficeit. I got back into town at 3 am and I couldn't just sleep in because I had church to go to. The pictures that follow were taken with a camera phone; Olan Mills it's not.

These are my buddies Jon and Aundrea. We were grabbing chow at the Mellow Mushroom. If you are in Asheville, it's a must.

The local hotels were packed with Heads. Everybody there was just diggn' being there and seeing other Heads.

The Lot Scene was impressive. People with something to sell had staked out prime spots in parking lot to sell pipes, beer, tee shirts, stickers, food, and nitrous. It's amazing that some of this can go on despite the obvious legality.


Show Time!!!!!!

The night ended after two sets and a 4 song encore.

Today's Random Thought

Sometimes I dream with my eyes open in the minutes right before I fall asleep. I can't explain it.

Today's Invention

Subliminal Web Pages

I believe it is possible to incorporate subliminal messgages into websites. I've spoken with a programmer who has said that it is doable. However, this idea is still under construction at this time. I'll update this article as progress is made.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Today's Random Thought.

I believe there is a way that a hacker could pick the next American Idol. All they would have to do is write a program that would continually text message the number for their favorite idol.

Accident waiting to happen!

This is a shot of my bathroom counter. Do you understand now why I have Poison Control on speed dial. Same sort of think happend when I accidently brushed my teeth with hydrocortisone. The toothpaste was laying right next to the tube of anti-itch cream.

Monday, May 02, 2005

How 'bout we just put a target on our foreheads?


Add "easily accessible satellite maps of our nation's capital" to our list of "things Americans do that gets them dumped on". And yes, that is the White House in both pictures. How stupid is this? Well, check it out and see. You're in here too!