Today's Scene

The camera follows a sharply dressed couple into a Japanese Steak House. It's one of those that prepares the customers' orders right there in front of them on a special table that doubles as a grill. The couple is seated next to three other couples. The camera pans across the group. A few moments of small talk go by and then a waitress emerges with a cart of ingredients in preparation for the Chef's grand entrance.

The kitchen door swings open and a chef stumbles out wearing very dark sunglasses. His attire is professional but disorganized. He has misbuttoned his shirt and his fly is wide opened. He pulls out a walking cane after a few unsuccessful attempts at avoiding stationary objects in his way. It is clear now to the customers, as the camera pans across their shocked faces, that their Chef for the evening is blind. He finally finds his way to the grill and promptly places his hand down flat against its sizzling surface. He screams for a moment, then soothes his blistered hand in the bowl of butter sitting on the cart. The chef regroups but somehow looses his bearings during the chaos and is now facing away from his table. He is now addressing his audience unknowingly with his back to them. The couples looked confused and some are stiflingly laughs. The camera view is now on the Chef's grinning and bobbing head, the couples can be seen in the background slightly blurred. The Chef begins his preparations by throwing shrimp out into the middle of the restaurant, the tale-tell sound of the sizzle noticeably absent. Back to the tight shot of his face, but now with a questioning frown. The Chef realizes his mistake and turns to face the table. He fumbles for a knife and indiscriminately swings and jabs with it in a vain attempt to slice carrots. At this point there is some quick head nodding and light whispers from the couples and they make a hasty exit. That's today's scene.

Satellite killed the radio star!

Commercial radio, for me, died on June 10th, 2005 when I bought a MyFi XM radio. I will never go back. I have been continually disappointed with commercial radio for years. I have found radio's savior to fly high in the sky. Satellite.

Today's Random Thought

One of the fundamental maxims of writing is "Write what you know". If writers write best when they write what they know, then shouldn't Steven King be locked away somewhere?

Today's Random Thought

I believe a Beatnik is a poet who understands the beauty in the way words sound and the emotions they instill more than their meaning when placed in neat structured forms.

Today's Invention

Today's Invention is an improvement on an already existing product. The Delphi MyFi is the world's first portable satellite radio. My improvement would be to add an sd slot to it to make it possible to store and burn your music.

Today's Invention

The Tin Ear and Audio Braille

The Tin Ear is one of my conceptual inventions designed for the deaf. It is constructed in the same housing as hearing aides. At the heart of its construction is what I will call Audio Braille. Audio Braille is a powerful piece of software that recognizes millions of different sounds and then interprets and translates them into vibrations or blinking lights that a deaf person could, with training, understand. The Tin Ear comes factory loaded with Audio Braille and is fully upgradable to accommodate newer software versions. A deaf person would learn to understand the blinking lights or vibrations much like a blind person would learn to read Braille. For example a certain series of vibrations from the device with a specific magnitude could be recognized as a car horn. So, Tin Ear's microphone picks up the sound of a car horn and Audio Braille translates it into the vibrations which can be felt and understood by the wearer.

Regarding "Down with the System"

Wow! I obviously touched a nerve with some Down fans. I appreciate all the comments. Most, however, did not agree with my stance, but graciously acknowledged my opinion. There were some very intelligent points made. I like to be made to think and most of these comments did just that. I take the words that people say very seriously and, much like art, lyrics mean different things to different people. It was interesting to learn other interpretations. Thanks

Today's Scene

Today our hero is on an errand for a co-worker at the cell phone store. Hero's co-worker was involved in a motorcycle accident over the weekend and has twisted his ankle. Our hero is at a grocery store buying Epsom Salt and a bag of ice and he is next in line at the check out counter. Token small talk with the clerk bores him so he decides to construe a ruse.

Clerk: What's the ice for?

Hero: I'm a volunteer for the Donor Organ Recovery Unit at the local hospital and I'm working right now, so I don't have time to deliver the kidney and the pair of eyes that I have out in the car so I'm putting them on ice in the refrigerator at work until I get off.

Clerk: Uh.....Oh......Ok.

Hero: Yep...Yep,yep. (hero laughs inside his head)

Down with the System

"Why don't presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?"-System of a Down, B.Y.O.B.: Mezmerize 2005.

This lyric comes from yet another band jumping on the anti-government bandwagon to sell albums. I don't know for sure if it sparks from ignorance or greed, probably a little of both. I understand ignorance. It would be irresponsible, but forgivable. The System of a Down, whose lyric is quoted above, will see the light when they realize that the world their lyrics influence is the one their kids are going to have to live in.

Greed is a different story. Greed causes logic to be thrown out the window. We should all know a little about something before we criticize it and we definitely need to keep our law makers in check. You would think we, as citizens, would take this roll more seriously and not just blindly throw out condemnation. However, records like this sell. Green Day knows and so does System of a Down. It is obvious to me that System of a Down is ignoring their intellectual fan base by playing to their lowest common denominator. I would say, "Why do the poor always take the bait? Why do they always believe a fake?"

Is it true that the U.S. sends their poor to fight wars? Let's examine. Our military is a voluntary one. A soldier, rich or poor, has no one to blame but themselves. The System obviously don't care. If a soldier is fighting it's because he chose to. Let's educate the Down folks further.

Why would someone volunteer? The Montgomery G.I. pays soldiers' college tuition for joining. So if you can't afford college, you're poor perhaps, then the Military provides a way to get a paycheck and go to school all on the governments dime. So, logic, which has already been thrown out the window, would account for the higher percentage of lower income people in the military. This brings up another interesting problem that our Military is facing, soldiers who are either refusing to do their duty or complaining about it and bringing the Military into litigation. It has come down to soldiers who are lazy and want a free ride. They want to do their time in service and then get out and let Uncle Sam pay them. Another one of my lyrics would be, "Why do the lazy volunteer? Are they too good now for welfare?"

It's a pity that the System of the Down has taken their unique sound and used it to distort the truth and breed an anti-government mentality for the next generation. It's a pity that some bright minds don't think for themselves. I still hold hope for a punk or metal band that will entice with some intelligence.

Ebonic Translation....

"Where Christ is in all this crisis?"-Public Enemy, He Got Game: 1998.

It's a good question. Doubt is normal and questions indicate that the search has not been abandoned. I was amazed to learn, the benefits of hurricanes while watching the Discovery Channel. We hear of their destructive nature and see images of death and catastrophe on television during hurricane season but what we don't readily know is that farmers in these coastal areas rely on them to bring in moisture and nutrients to their crops. We would doom ourselves to starvation if our meteorologists where to one day learn to eliminate hurricanes. I never had an answer to why there are hurricanes until now. Where's God? He's providing food for the world by bringing sustenance to the world's crops.

What about school shootings, domestic violence, other crimes? Where's God? He's not in the hearts of those who commit theses acts. These are the results of sin in people's lives and man is to blame for that. Did God cause the woman to drink and drive? That was her choice and had she made a better one the family in the van she hit might still have their father. Is that a good example? Well, this kind of thing happens everyday. Take your pick of examples.

I am shocked how people who profess an unbelief in God will quickly shed their non-belief to blame God or to ask for help in a time of duress. Humm. "Where Christ in all this crisis?" He'’s cleaning up the mess. I'’ll leave it to you to find the joy in the wake of devastation. Romans 8:28 "“And we know that in all things God is working for the good of those whom love God and are called according to his purpose". Let me point you in the right direction. Look for the good in the good that came from the Columbine shootings. Look for the good that came about after the Tsunami in Indonesia. Look for the good in that person you can't stand. Look for good because good is pursuing you. Ephesians 1:11 "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory"

Today's Random Thought

Why does it always take Dr. David Banner so long to become enraged to the point that he transforms himself into the Incredible Hulk? Is he some sort of Zen scientist that only gets enraged when his Feng Shui is off kilter? If Taco Bell messes up my order, I'm already green.

Fainting Goat Update!

Mike has commented with a video link about fainting goats in my Today's Scene column about these nervous oddities. Check out the video here.

Today's Random Thought

What is it about the Vietnamese that predisposes them to nail care? And why do my hands look like snarly paws that have been foraging in a land fill somewhere?

Today's Invention

The Digital Life

The DL idea that I created would be a media storage device like an IPod or something similar that can store pictures, video, text files and audio. The idea is similar to the Time Capsule phenomenon that haunts us at High School reunions. All the seniors who are graduating put a little reminder of their high school days into a box that isn't opened until their 10 year class reunion. The DL is based on this principle but the media that is recorded is a collection of memories of a person's life; childhood photos, recordings of them singing their kid to sleep, video of a graduation, a picture shaking the hand of the company boss, or poem that was written, that all can be laid to rest with a person when they die. It would be like a digital tombstone.

The Digital Life has other purposes that aren't so morose. They can be incorporated into the construction of buildings with the life history of the structure's name sake. The J. Edger Hoover FBI Building might, for example, could have a DL unit installed in the foyer of the building and another one somewhere else more permanent. These units would be historical, educational, and act as a digital ID for the building. My idea can be thought of as a Black Box for life.

Today's Random Thought

I wonder if we all could recall alien abductions if we were all hypnotized and asked just the right questions?

Jesus Saves Over-passes too

I've never understood religious graffiti.



It's not like a crop circle where sometime during the night "Jesus Saves" mysteriously appears spray painted on a bridge or wall and everyone is awe struck. No one is going to make a pilgrimage from far away lands to witness it like they would if it was the Honey Bun likeness of Mother Teresa.



It's also not a Tag letting outsiders know what gang's turf they're on or who loves who forever. No, graffiti is graffiti and you can't solve a problem by creating another. I know Jesus Saves but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want that defacing peoples' property.

I was in a Books-A-Million this weekend where I noticed that management had marked out all the graffiti in the restroom but left the image of the Holy Bible that someone etched in the wall in retaliation for the multitude of F Bombs scattered around the urinals and sinks. It's not that I find it odd that we regard some graffiti more sacred than other, but that we regard some as sacred at all.

Our Baby's heartbeat at 8wks!

Today's Random Thought

Have you ever noticed how those MTV Spring Break shows only have beautiful people on them? Once, and I can't say for sure because it was in the background, but I thought I saw their security staff roughing up an ugly couple for trying to get in.

Today's Scene

Today scene requires a brief explanation. There is a breed of goat that faints when startled.



God has such a sense of humor, I love Him. There is even an organization dedicated to their care, The International Fainting Goat Association. Check out their logo.......



You will understand the significance of the logo after watching this short video.



Enough, now, with the background. Today's scene is set at the dawn of time. God has set Adam down to name the beasts of the earth. One by one the animals line up to receive their special name. Afterwards, they huddle together to share their names with each other. The Skunk, Porcupine, and Fainting Goat have gathered under The Tree of Life to discuss their new names.

Porcupine: Black furry thing, what is your name?

Skunk: I'm called Skunk and I have this really cool natural defense mechanism that helps me defend myself against my enemies. I just bend over and spray them with this horrible smelling liquid. What's your name?

Porcupine: I'm called Porcupine and my defense mechanism are these sharp quills that stab predators when they get close. What's your name hoofed thing with horns?

Fainting Goat: My name is Fainting Goat and my natural defense is to pass out in front of predators.

Skunk: That's all you got! Big furry thing with teeth is chasing you and you just pass out? You are so extinct!

That's today's scene.

Today's Random Thought.

I helped out a guy today in our store whose eyeballs where all black! They were kind of sunk back into his head and his eyelids were really narrow. He looked like a demon!

New tunes for tired ears

I don't usually find new music that I dig for more than a week. I find all my stuff on line for the most part. Radio is dead! Although, I am seriously considering Satellite Radio as an option. It seems like everytime I turn on the radio it's playing the same songs it played twenty minutes ago. Or, it's playing Bush, StoneTemplePiolts, or Metallica. That was cool in 95, but it's a little played now. Sorry, Metallica fans.

I spend my lunch hour in Barnes and Noble's music department listening to cds to satiate my lust for music. I stumbled across Soul Coughing's ex-frontman, Mike Doughty's solo project, "Haughty Melodic".



I'm not attempting to imply that you might like him. My job is to bait the hook. Everyone is different, but at least give him a listen. You can sample his stuff here. His Beatnik lyrical style is unique and his voice is very engaging.

Today's Free Flow

The Pebble---started on 3-18-05

Each day this pebble grows smaller, closing in around me, and thickening the air.

The stars here are like key holes out through eternity I stare.

And some days I look out theses eyes like I’m looking through prison bars.

Walking the pebble like I’m walking prison yards.

The pebble pushes up the harder I push down.

So I’ve learned to tread tenderly over this rugged ground.

It’s a rut that I walk ‘til my feet are sore.

A place to put my foot where my foot has been before.

Until the day the pebble mixes with the clay no more night and no more day.

Today's Invention

The invisible Play Pen

This invention is very similar to The Foul Ball Alert that I invented. They both use RFID technology to locate and identify things attached to a tiny transmitter/detector. It is the same technoloy that libraries use to protect their books from theives. You might have spotted the antenna tucked into the spine of your book.



The Invisible Play Pen uses this same idea to monitor children. The antenna above is placed on a child and the parameters on the receiver are set according to the area that you are monitoring. For example, the parent or guardian can set it to monitor a backyard or a playground sized area. An alarm is sounded on the reciever when the child wanders outside of the preset parameters. The distance that is protected can be a short as a few inches to as far as 300 feet.

There are many uses for this device and uses that aren't just limited to children either. This would be a good solution for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients, pet, and property owners.

Today's Random Thought

Citizen E

Last night I realized that my childhood Rosebud is Snoopy my stuffed dog.

Typhoid Mary?

I wanted a salad for lunch so I went to Kroger because they have a good salad bar but I was stopped at the door by a guy in a wheel chair selling baked goods and I couldn't tell I didn't want his baked goods because he didn't have a licence to sell baked goods and how clean were his hands when he made them or if he made them at all because someone else could have done the cooking and how well does doe he really know the cook and what if the wheel chair is a hoax and he's actually spreading something like a modern day Typhoid Mary so I ignored him which is sad I know but I didn't want to tell him what I really thought because it might hurt his feelings so I shuffled on by him and then I stopped dead in my tracks because I thought the same could be said about the salad bar because I don't know how long the salad dressing has been out what if it was left out for a couple of hours before they iced it down so I got a Lunchable instead and I was building the story I'd tell the wheelchair guy but he wasn't in his wheelchair it was just sitting there, there I knew it! I just wanted a salad.

Today's Scene

Have you been properly introduced to the "Bill Pen"? I haven't. It usually makes a brief appearance when I pay for something if I pay with twenty dollar bill. It comes out just long enough to scribble on my currency and then it retreats back to its den under the cash register. I've seen Punxsutawney Phil on a sunshiny day for longer periods of time. It seems there is no time for a formal introduction. On occasion I've seen the pen when I had a fifty, but having a fifty dollar bill to spend is rare. I'm more likely to spot the "Bill Pen" when I use a twenty. It's a little embarrassing when you get a clerk with a flair for the dramatic. No sooner have you laid the twenty down, when he/she has begun scribbling on it hoping to reveal you as a counterfeiter.

So Today's Scene has me at the front of a long line in the grocery store. Today is one of those rare occasions when I have a fifty dollar bill. It's really too bad to because my items just total ten dollars. "I wish I had something smaller," I say, "but this will have to do". The cashier raises an eye brow over me and scribbles across the fifty with the "Bill Pen". It's clean, to her obvious disappointment, so she hands me my change. Two twenties. I take a moment. I raise my eye brow. I take out my "Bill Pen". It's clean this time, so I take my bags and leave. That's Today's Scene.

Today's Random Thought

Today I helped "X" pick out a pair of shoes for a wedding and, to my surprise, hell didn't freeze over nor did the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse swoop down to scourge the earth.

Today's Invention

Pump Pants

I invented Pump Pants to provide extra protection for the high impact life style. Pump pants are made out of lycra and spandex and include air bladders which are sewn into all the contact points like knees and hips. The pants come with a hand pump which enables the user to increase or decrease the amount of air in each bladder depending on preference or activity. This innovation can also be added to a shirt or body suit design.

Sports that would be affect include football, baseball, rock climbing, surfing, and ect,. Pump pants have the added benefit of doubling as a flotation device for those water sports enthusiast.

There are also many different occupations that could benefit as well, like law enforcement, construction, mining and ect,.

Today's Invention

The Filla Buster

The Filla Buster I invented is a special digital media recorder that is design especially for Law Enforcement Adgents in the field. The Filla Buster aids the officer by providing a medium to record data that may be useful later such as licence plate numbers, pictures of suspicious vehicles, or audio and video recordings of crime scenes. Bascially, it's a digital voice recorder and digital camera in one. The Filla Buster's main function is to collect audio or video that an officer comes in contact with everyday.

For example, abandoned cars. We see them everyday as we drive to and from our various destinations. They become so common place that they are often ignored. A Police Officer driving along on his/her beat might take a picture, record the time of day and a brief description. It would be quick and it might be just the thing that breaks a case wide open. This method would be repeated as neccassary, and at the officer's descretion, during his shift. The Filla Buster could also be used to collect audio and video data during an interrogation, bust or it could activated to record a chase. This kind of data collection could be very helpful during court proceedings.

The size would need to be small enough to fit on an agent's shoulder straps or belts. This is an example of what I had in mind.



Click here for an article about the picture above.

Patent No. 4,043,329

*** The following post is for mature audiences only ***
(What is meant by mature is NO GIGGLERS!)

I was getting my softball uniform ready in preparation for tomorrow's game when I noticed something about my equipment that had previously escaped my attention. Emblazoned across my protective cup is, "Patent No. 4,043,329". I had never thought about a protective cup being patented. I always thought they'd been around since ancient times. I've seen pictures of ancient Roman soldiers wearing similar equipment on the History Channel, so I could only assume that this wasn't a new invention. So I went to the United States Patent web site and to my surprise the patent is dated 1976! That would explain why there haven't been any ancient cups unearthed in any archeological digs!

My curiosity was far from being satiated. I wondered what other devices necessity had mothered before the cup. Evidently the Urological Drape was more important, Patent No. 4,043,328. It beat the cup's invention by 15 days. The Waterproof cast protector, Patent No. 4,043,326,

"A flexible covering for placement over an individual's injured limb having a cast or bandage"

When my little brother broke his arm my mom used something similar on him except she called it a Trash Bag! We couldn't afford special medical supplies, not when we could make them. Had she only patented the Trash Bag we'd be rich! You can do a search at the top of this blog for past posts of my regular column, Today's Invention by typing in "Today's Invention" in the field provided. They may never be patented and they may never be as good as the Protective Cup, but come on, I know my stuff is better than the Urological Drape!

Bumper Stickers Kill!

Add this to the growing list of things that cause traffic accidents....Bumpstickers in 0.2 font. Witty bumper stickers are funny and can entertain you along your journey, but, hey, please make them pithy! I spent 20 minutes tailgating a guy on the highway trying to read his bumper sticker. It had two paragraphs written on it!! I half expected to see it start off, "Call me Ishmael", when I finally got close enough to read it. Whatever happen to the short zingers, " We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?", "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.", or " So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute."

I do admit that I am part of the problem. I just can't help but rubber-neck when I see a bumper sticker. It's not just me; it's human nature. Peope want to be able to read them as they drive by. So, I have learned from this and I am planning on profitting from it with my own bumber sticker: "If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"

A sad tune

I can't explain it, but I am affected more by sad songs than any other. It's not entirely the words , I don't think. I believe it is the tone or maybe the image that is envoked in my mind that affects me so deeply. I play guitar as much as I can and I write songs as much as I can, but in this time I haven't penned but a small fist full of songs that didn't have a dolefulness about them.

My guitar is tuned Celtic style, which is......how can I explain? Imagine yourself looking over a pond or lake on an cloudy day. The wind is blowing and there isn't a soul around. That's how my guitar makes me feel and that is exactly how a sad song makes me feel as well. They provide a visual. I don't get a picture in my mind's eye when I here other songs. Now, I like a good kick-in-the-gut-jam to coax be into my mourning routine or to fire me up while I'm jogging. But my Being is in synch with the melancholy side of life. Maybe someone has a better explantion but I think it's because sadness it the only true lasting emotion and I'm intune with it. For example can you think of a time when you were happy all week. Now think of the times you've been sad all week. Which lasted the week, sadness or happiness?

Check the Quotable E!

One of my favorite parts of my blog is the Quotable E, which I add to regularly. There will always be a permenant link under my LINKS section on the right hand side of the screen. The newest posts are towards the bottom, so check it out from time to time.

My wife and I are expecting! You should've known!

We found out on April the 27th but kept it quiet because we wanted to make the annoucement closer to Mother's Day. My wife and I took a vow of silence. So, in silence I posted a clue. I'm surprised no one figured it out.

Today's Random Thought

Jewel writes horrible poetry so does Billy Corgan. Someone pay me, shoot, even Hitler had a best seller.

Today's Invention

New saying.....

"That's Trump!"
-Used when referring to something extravagant. Named for Donald Trump. Definition includes all variations of this phrase.

This "Trump" template can be used a varity of ways. All you would have to do is insert a name depending on the meaning that you are seeking. Here's an example:

"That's Chappelle!"
-Used when referring to something or someone who is crazy or mentally disturbed. Definition includes all variations of this phrase.

Ex. "I had a friend in highschool that dropped so much acid that he went Chappelle one day and buried himself up to his chin because he thought he was a Daisy.

The "Trump" template isn't limited to Celebrities. For example:

"Pug"

-Used when referring to an expression that is flattened or Pug like.

Ex. "She looked better before the nose job. Now she is all Pugged out."


Your turn now. Post a comment with your own inventions and examples.

Today's Invention

Coconut Caramel Hershey's Kisses

Take Hershey's Caramel filled Kisses and roll them in warm toasted coconut.

If you aren't standing up for America then you're the problem!

"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice…. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue"

-Barry M. Goldwater, accepting Republican presidential nomination July 16, 1964

So you hate America? Then leave! What do you love? How far would you go to protect something you love? You'd fight for your child or a family member wouldn't you? But your country isn't important? Leave! Take your pink panties with you because we aren't a nation of helpless little girls. France could use you.

You don't like wars? Who does? How do you think we got here? Get a library card and read a little history. War is terrible but needed sometimes. Unfortunately, America has the only Army whose soldiers don't believe in war! They just join the military so Uncle Sam will pay for their education then complain when they are asked to fulfill their end of the bargain. Heaven forbid they actually have to fire a weapon!

So you say America is an imperialist superpower? We are the world leader in humanitarian aid. Take that away and you'd be right. All the other countries that count on our handouts would wither. Just leave. You are apart of the problem. Please leave.

You think we are too hard on criminals? So you like your taxes dollars going to furnish prisons with cable TV, education programs, and funding for inmates' friviouls lawsuits? It amounts to adult child support, but these "children" we are supporting are criminals.

Open up America's borders? Borders, language, and culture define a country and when we loose that we loose our indentity. The Mexican border is virtually an open gate. Almost every election ballot America, now, is being printed in multiple languages. And our American culture is being attacked daily in the court rooms. "In God We Trust" on our currency, the Pledge of Allgience, and the 10 Commandmants are all issues being battled right now in our Judicial system. ACLU put your skirt on! Soon you'll get your wish, a country full of girl-armed, hopscotchers!

Please, Please leave. France needs you!

Today's Free Flow

Nashville Trip Memory

Hand in hand, gliding across city streets.
I looked down at our feet and saw they were synching.
It was all coming together the puzzle pieces were fitting.
All through this day we were agreeing.
But the sky had its differences.
The air became thick and wet, though it was not raining.
But still it was enough because puddles were forming.
We had the same thoughts.
So we moved along dodging canvas awnings drippings.
From store to store through Nashville’s 21^st street Village exploring.

Acronym I'm glad I don't have.

I was listening to a segment on NPR about obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as I was driving home from work. The story was being told by a teenager who had grown up with it. The kid felt a compulsion to make things even or symmetrical. If he touched something with his right hand he would also have to touch it with his left hand. This kind of compulsion permeated every aspect of his life. Here's where the weird gets freaky. The kid would make his sentences symmetrical as well by repeating them backwards. I'm thinking what kind of Bobby Fisher like freak can do this? But he demonstrated it without any hesitation and it made my hair stand on end. It was like the Beatles' White album where you play it backwards and hear," Paul is dead, miss him, miss him". I wish I had the audio to share with you because ynnuf dednuos ti. seitrap ta nuf era sredco teb I.


P.S. Paul was the Walrus

A public apology would be candy!

My brother-in-law has once again pee’'d in my pool. He took my post about the Widespread Panic concert that I went to and twisted it into something vile! May my vengeance purify the waters you have fouled brother-in-law!


This is my original picture.


This is my brother-in-law's perversion of it.

Today's Random Thought

NPR (National Public Radio) likes to boast that some of their sponsorship comes from organizations that research the causes of homelessness in America. I don't have the dollars to spend on research, but I have a theory. The root cause of homelessness in America is people who don't have homes.

MP3 Blogs

MP3 blogs are starting to pop up here and there. Here is a good article on the matter and below are a few to get your feet wet. Check them out.

Largeheated Boy
Mystical Beast
The Tufo Hut

What does my brother-in-law + Photoshop + alot of free time equal?

This is what happens when my brother-in-law gets a hold of a picture of me. Sorry, Jews, I didn't do this. Oh, and goats too. This picture doesn't make them look good either. This is exactly how THEY framed Oswald. Take this picture put a gun in my hand, prop me up against a grassy knoll and you have yourself a third gunnmen.

Today's Invention

Today's Invention is brought to you by guest inventor Mike M.

"What about a gas/electric car, but instead of plugging it in you have a windmill type thing that would charge a battery while you went down the road"?

Good idea Mike!!

Today's Invention

Foul Ball Alert

I thought of this after my brother-in-law nailed my mother-in-law with a foul ball during a church league softball game. He fouled it straight up and over the fence along the first base line. The stands sit just on the other side. She didn't see it in time and didn't hear our shouts of warning. This kind of thing happens two or three times during a game; it’s common place. Enter The Foul Ball Alert. It is a softball fitted with RFID. It's the spiraled looking device on the right. You'd recognize it as the gadget placed in library books to prevent naughty Brainiacs from stealing Pride and Prejudice and other books.

The RFID tag is small enough and thin enough to fit under the covering of a softball or baseball. Antennas can be placed around the top of the fences of the ball park and an alarm is sounded when a foul ball is popped up in their vicinity. Think of it as hitting that copy of Pride and Prejudice through those annoying stalls at the entrance to your public library.

Today's Random Thought

Ancient Chinese Proverb? What about something a little more recent? Do modern Chinese not have anything good to say?

Today's Invention

The Super Packet

Are you as frustrated as I am about the amount of catsup fast foods restaurants give you at the drive through? I know we’re not talking world peace here! Yes, there are bigger issues in the world to be bent out of shape about, but not at this very moment. At this very moment I need catsup for my fries. And I’m going to need more than two packets of catsup for my large order of fries, ok? I burned those two on just four fries. You might say that I should have had the forethought to ask for extras. Ok, let’s go down that path, but I must warn you that I’ve been down it before. I have been given fists full of extras, but with this another problem surfaces. I call it the “catsup dance”. It is the long, monotonous act of extracting the condiment from the catsup packets. The dance can turn a quick meal into a full hour affair. Each packet, from my best estimate, can satisfy three fries.



See, this isn’t going to cut it.

We are talking big numbers here if I decide on the large order of fries. My ancestors were hunter-gathers; I am not. The last animal I killed, I stepped on and I picked it up with a Kleenex tissue and flushed it. You see, I don’t want to have to work for my food and that’s why I’m at a fast food joint! So, today’s invention or re-invention is the Super Packet.
The Super Packet is similar to what we are used to at the drive though window, now, except each has the capacity to hold 4 ounces of catsup. Catsup producers should, at the very least, consider putting catsup in the same size packets as they put some of their other condiments.



It's only fair.

Today's Free Flow

I’m going to shed some light on a spotless mind.
To remind me of things I’ve left behind.
I’m going to shine a light down a deep dark hole.
Illuminate memories from long ago.
I’m going to search things out.
Seems there is always more to me to learn about.
We all have whales that we are pursuing.
And this one’s mine; it’s of my choosing.

So I’ll discard those traits we share and everything else I’ll compare.
I see you and how you move.
But what makes you do the things you do?
In the same situation you zig, I zag.
There’re more questions to ask and more answers to question.
I should start over and let new experience be my lesson.
I can’t find what’s not there in this spotless mind.
Things once wiped clean I will never find.

Widespread Panic!!!

This is the last show of Widespread Panic's spring tour. I bought the ticket when they first went on sale a couple of months ago; it's a sold out show now. The web shows these tickets being scalped for anywhere between $98 and $168. I will be updating this article with pictures from the parking lot scene and from the show as things happen!

Ok, so here we go! It's Sunday now and I'm still recovering for my sleep deficeit. I got back into town at 3 am and I couldn't just sleep in because I had church to go to. The pictures that follow were taken with a camera phone; Olan Mills it's not.



These are my buddies Jon and Aundrea. We were grabbing chow at the Mellow Mushroom. If you are in Asheville, it's a must.



The local hotels were packed with Heads. Everybody there was just diggn' being there and seeing other Heads.



The Lot Scene was impressive. People with something to sell had staked out prime spots in parking lot to sell pipes, beer, tee shirts, stickers, food, and nitrous. It's amazing that some of this can go on despite the obvious legality.



Pre-show



Show Time!!!!!!



The night ended after two sets and a 4 song encore.

Today's Random Thought

Sometimes I dream with my eyes open in the minutes right before I fall asleep. I can't explain it.

Today's Invention

Subliminal Web Pages

I believe it is possible to incorporate subliminal messgages into websites. I've spoken with a programmer who has said that it is doable. However, this idea is still under construction at this time. I'll update this article as progress is made.

Today's Random Thought.

I believe there is a way that a hacker could pick the next American Idol. All they would have to do is write a program that would continually text message the number for their favorite idol.

Accident waiting to happen!

This is a shot of my bathroom counter. Do you understand now why I have Poison Control on speed dial. Same sort of think happend when I accidently brushed my teeth with hydrocortisone. The toothpaste was laying right next to the tube of anti-itch cream.

How 'bout we just put a target on our foreheads?

And...........



Add "easily accessible satellite maps of our nation's capital" to our list of "things Americans do that gets them dumped on". And yes, that is the White House in both pictures. How stupid is this? Well, check it out and see. You're in here too!

Today's Invention

Disappointment

Ok, I didn’t invent disappointment but I’m feeling it right now. I just found out that Audi has implemented one of my ideas into their current line of luxury cars. Audi is now including SD slots as an option in some of their cars. I had this very idea a year and a half ago. I’m not even going to pretend that I had this idea first but I did predict that the portable storage industry was heading in this direction. Now, I probably wasn’t the only one to think of this application a year ago, nor the first, but it’s good to know my thinking was on the right track.

Today's Scene

Today’s scene takes us to the starting line of the NHRA drag racing quarter-finals where a reporter is interviewing ,”Candy”, one of the few female drivers in the sport. The reporter has just a few minutes before she gets the green light, so he shouted a couple questions over the roar of the engines.

Reporter: “Do you feel that you have something to prove out here to the male drivers in drag racing”?

Candy: “No. Women have come a long way in sports and this is just another example. We can do anything a man can do”.

Reporter: “What about the stereotypes of a women driver? Do the other drivers joke about it”?

Candy (laughing): “Ya, some do but they’re jealous. I just let my driving do the talking”.

Reporter: “Alright, good luck to you Candy”.

The scene is framed now from the perspective of the press box. “Candy’s” car is in the foreground slightly obscuring her opponent’s car. The starting lights begin the count down to green. The scene switches and is now being viewed on TV from the live footage of one of the cable stations. The engines are revving in anticipation. The lights go green! “Candy’s” opponent gets a good start. “Candy” punches the accelerator and goes from 0 to 60 in just a split second but in reverse crashing into the grand stand. That’s today’s scene.

Today's Free Flow

Dogwood Trees
-Eric Crouch

Deep in the woods far from human needs, I wandered upon a forgotten path lined with dogwood trees.

I followed the overgrowth to a stone foundation, which punctuated the rows of trees like a dot of exclamation.

What a structure must have stood so grand so not to be out done by the beauty of the leaves.
And what must have been thought of the path that such care was taken to outline it with dogwood trees.

That drew the eye along its path to rest upon this majestic habitation. Its a memory that lingers now forgotten outside this stone foundation.

Despite man’s best effort to preserve its creation there’s nothing here to see,
beyond this forgotten path lined with dogwood trees.



This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Flat Panel Guitar Amp

I could possibly be persuaded to sell a kidney or two for this!

I wet my pants when.................

Those who know me would say that I have an unrealistic fear of sharks. They say that because I live in East Tennessee and don’t go near salt water. Not wanting to die is not an unrealistic fear and not wanting to be eaten isn’t either. Follow me on my logic here. Would we not kill a Great White shark that waddled up on a beach just because it was curious? Sure we would! It is in our nature to do so. Of course we wouldn’t if it was a seal or a whale, something cute, but a shark we’d stomp a mud hole in. Kill the killer, right. Can you foresee a bunch of eco-nuts banding together to gently steer the shark back out into the ocean where everyone is swimming. No. Similarly, we shouldn’t expect anything different from the shark if we showed up in its environment. Realistically, in comparison, man is the more dangerous, but let’s not split hairs here. If I look like shark food in shark infested waters, well then you really can’t blame a shark for taking a bite out of me.

My fears were only slightly diminished after reading of a new device from SeaChange that repels sharks with a strong electrical field. It’s called the Shark Shield. I still won’t ever voluntarily go diving wearing one of these, but it will make it easier for me to get on a boat knowing that life vests will someday be equipped with theses.

Read more

Tired of that same old knife set?

Now, if there was just a way that I could dress it up like some people I know.....Hmmmm.

Read more about it

Today's Scene

Our hero must work at least 35 hours a week and wear a tracking device to meet the requirements of his early parole. Today's scene finds our hero working as a shoe salesman in JC Penney’s; his first day. In most cases an addiction to methadone and several felonies would've disqualified him from employment here but the shoe department manager owed our hero's parole officer a favor. It seems he was once in a fix in a Mexican border town and the parole officer helped him out of it. The manager considered the debt paid after hiring our hero. He knew he was taking a chance. Research shows that people just don't buy shoes from salesmen with tattoos of tears on their cheeks and self inflicted etchings.

Our hero's first effort was to be applauded; even his parole officer said so. "He displayed self control.”, his manager said. Frequent affirmation was recommended by the prison 's resident psychiatrist, "You just don't know what will set him off". The customer was a young mother and her six-year-old son. Right away there was tension. The boy took one look at our hero and said, "You are a scary man". Kids are so cute. Tact just doesn't occur to them. Our hero ground his teeth and stooped to the boy's level. Eye to eye now he says, "I'm rubber you're glue. It bounces off of me and sticks to you". That's today's scene.

Today's Invention

The Task Timer

I’ve got something for those of us who are multi-taskers by necessity, not by desire. The more I stack on my plate the more likely I am to spill something. I can handle two or three things going on at once , but the more I have going on the more likely it is that I’ll get confused over the details or forget one all together.

I created the Task Timer to keep over lapping tasks on track. The Task Timer is, on a very basic level, just a timer.. You set it for however long you want to devote to each task and it beeps when it’s time to move to the next task. The Timer is most effective if the user stops the current task and moves to the next task at the sound of the beep no matter what stage of the current task they are in. This method establishes the “I’ll sleep on it” effect when the task’s turn comes back around the progressio. It is based on the principle that we can solve problems and overcome obstacles by actually not dwelling on them in our conscience mind but letting our sub-conscious work through the roadblock. The concept comes from the book, The Breakout Principle by Dr. Herbert Benson. We can simulate this, in a small way, by stopping what we are working on and devote our thoughts to a different task. This is a beneficial side effect of the Task Timer’s true purpose, which is to keep our projects efficiently moving forward.

I’ll use myself as an example. I work best in four to five minute bursts of concentrated problem solving. I would set the Task Ticker to beep at five minutes intervals. I move to the next task at each beep. I can set the Task Timer to beep or flash a light at each increment. It can also be designed to wear inconspicuously or be set aside on a desk or workspace. The Task Timer, in whatever way it is used, has the potential to optimize the time we spend on solving problems and minimize the confusion we create by jumping, haphazardly, between them.

Today's Free Flow

Two sticks tell a tale.

as just one does as well.

Either way, a mark is made.

And, maybe, yearly remembered on that special day.

If not then, then maybe next time, but all in due time.

All in due time.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Today's Scene

Today’s scene has our hero reading a scripture up in front of his church congregation. He has prepared for this day for two weeks. He is a rather nervous guy and he wanted to do a good job. Our hero practiced every night until the scripture flowed from his lips in Shakespearian fashion. The day arrived and our hero was ready despite his stage fright. He was impeccably dressed in a pressed white shirt with a smart red tie. The pants were creased to perfection. And no one really paid much attention at all to the Bud Lite undershirt conspicuously visible through our hero’s dress shirt. That’s today’s scene.

The Sound of a Kettle Drum- a forgotten memory

I was playing softball with by church league team when I remembered an incident from my childhood that I had buried somewhere in a corner of my mind. I see it all now as if I’m standing just to the left of the entire scene. I was a kid playing catcher in a league that used a pitching machine. I was too old to be hitting off a tee but too young to handle a pitcher. Our little arms just didn’t have the strength and accuracy to get a ball across the plate. We still had a pitcher but he just hung out on the pitcher's mound next to the pitching machine. The machine always threw strikes but it couldn’t stop me from distrusting it when I stepped into that batter’s box. I had a bit of a phobia. Things changed, however, on defense. I had the easiest job. I was the catcher squatting behind the plate. I knew where the ball was going each time; right across the plate. I'’d catch it on strikes and just watch it sail off when the batter got a hold of it. On one particular occasion neither happened. This is a little embarrassing, but funny. I don’t remember how it affected me then and maybe that’s why I really didn’t remember it until recently.

I remember the batter swung and missed. I must have lost focus because I missed it too. Now boys require and extra piece of equipment. A ball and bat aren'’t the only things boys take to the ball field. It is just an odd coincidence that the need for a jock and cup coincides with a boys’ awareness of modesty. It’s a touchy subject eventhough we’'d joke about it in locker rooms. That ball I missed hit my cup center mast and the percussion of it reverberated audibly like a kettle drum. The cup did its job as is was designed to do; maybe it did it too well. The ball ricocheted back from between my legs and back to the pitcher even before the sound was out of my ears.

I don’t remember my reaction much less anyone else’s. I wonder if I’'d laugh now. For that matter, I wonder if I laughed then. I think it’'s funny and I think about it now everytime I see a catcher.

Today's Scene

Today’s scene takes us to a jogging trail in the woods where our hero is getting some exercise. He is wearing a red velour jogging suit and a headband. Our hero is still flush with joy after a date that went well the night before. The scene is framed so that all you see is our hero from the waist up. He has got a goofy love lorn look on his face and his arms are swinging away like he doesn’t have a care in the world. The background music is an old Rod Stewart tune that is just barely distinguishable above the sounds of the forest. Without warning, and with lightning fast suddenness, a bear attacks our hero. All the audience is left with is a forest scene with a trail running off into the distance. That's today's scene.

Today's Scene

Today's scene has our hero getting on an elevator in a shopping mall. There is an up-scale department store on the first level that he is interested in. The department store is right next to the elevator and boasts the latest in men’s fashions. The entrance is entirely glass and is used to show off the store’s sharply dressed mannequins. Our Hero takes three steps off the elevator and bangs into the glass wall. His face smacks firmly into the glass spreading his face out unnaturally as viewed from the other side. As our Hero slides to his knees he spots a toddler in a stroller through the smudged glass laughing at him. That’s today’s scene.

We stood and clapped.

Our church was been praying for a member's nephew whose military unit has been serving in Iraq. The nephew recently returned from his tour unharmed. It was an answered prayer. Today in church he got up, and with his uncle at his side, and with a warble in his voice, thanked our church for our prayers. He reassured us that he knew God was protecting him. We all stood and clapped impart due to our patriotism and partly due to our joy in an answered prayer. It was hard holding back a tear despite the fact that I'd never seen the guy before. The only connection we had were our prayers, so I was surprised the way it touched me. I noticed as I looked around that I wasn't the only one. Prayer is a powerful thing.

The voices in your head have escaped!

This is really interesting. A speaker that sharply focuses sound to certain areas from long distances. Researchers say that sound can be projected in such a way that the targeted audience hears the sound as if they were at its point of origin, yet people just two feet away can't hear anything.

Blogging-A good chance to witness

I've noticed that a lot of people are using blogs to vent a frustration, or emotional pain. These blogs aren’t directed towards any particular audience other than just the author. I’ve read some that implicitly state this and others that flat out said their blogs were for their therapeutic purposes. Many are voices of desperation. Every once in a while I’ll comment on one that really worries me. I’ll leave just a short note of encouragement. It’s a good witness opportunity. I encourage everyone to do this. There is just too much hurt out here. I can’t, in good conscience, eavesdrop on someone’s pain and then just surf the next blog or turn on the TV. I’ve got the answers, the good news, and posting comments is a good way to witness and show others you care. If you saw someone in danger, would you not shout out a warning? If you had the cure for cancer, would you not share it? Christians don’t have the bandaid for this life’s problems, we have the salve. Not all Christians are going to be good at administering it. In fact, some of us really mess it up. But remember this, If one doctor miss diagnoses you, you don’t swear of doctors all together, do you? Let’s hope not. If you see a witness opportunity while you are blogging, then take it. Apply the salve and let God do the healing.

Amazon's free MP3 Download Site

Click here to view Amazon's free MP3 download site.
This looks like an ad but it's not. Basically, it's just a reminder for me to check it out.

What's next for me? Men's highheels?

Welcome the dawn of the age of The Man Purse. I will give just two more years before men everywhere realize the necessity of a stylish accessory to store all of their gadgets. Enter the man purse. It’s starting to catch on. I am just about to flag down the Band Wagon myself. Really! My pockets are bursting. I stuff them everyday with keys, cell phone, digital voice recorder, pack of gum, Chapstick, change and a pair of nail clippers. I feel like Winona Ryder in a department store! Men were once able to just throw on a pair of cargo pants for added storage but even that is not enough theses days. And you really can’t get away with that look at a power lunch with your boss and a couple of clients.

So here I am at a crossroads. One direction is a step toward the effeminate looking, yet vogue, Man Purse and the other is the one I’m on now. Do I continue to stuff my pockets until I look like I’m wearing saddle bags or do I start shopping for a purse?

I believe that I’ve come across a more doable option for me; a backpack. It is more of a transitional move until the Man Purse movement catches on. I know it’s gutless. I see it as the equivalent to getting a toupee. You hide on the fringes until you can’t hide any more, then one day you just show up bald. I’m sure one day I’ll just show up with a Man Purse. You really still can’t get away with bringing a backpack to a power lunch, but I don’t do power lunches. A power lunch for me would be drive-through, so it’s not an issue for me. I’m just solving my own dilemma right now. The other gutless men of the world will have to deal with their own insecurities.

This Guy Has Got It Figured Out!!!

The media has been slowly programing us how to think since tin cans where connected with string. Johnny says it best. Hint.....zeros and ones are how computers communicate. It's binary. Check out the link above! It's funny.

Today's Random Thought

Who would mow the grass in our medians if we didn’t have prison work camps and work release programs?

Crime caught on Audioblogger

Can I be excused?

brain_full
Originally uploaded by good_fences.

I realized recently that I don'€™t have the patience nor the mental rigor to deal with all the information that I come across. I have developed an ability to skim over information and pick out what is useful. I'€™ve taken a couple of speed reading courses that have helped out to a degree. These courses, by the way, should have been prefaced with a speed thinking course if such one existed because for me this is the rub. Reading fast is great if you can soak it all in, otherwise, you are just spinning your wheels. Even with this skill my head has become impacted with information. My mind has reached a bottle neck with all the information that continually needs to be added. I have these great ideas that are lost because they hit me in the shower or when I'€™m in my car at a stop light. Enter the Voice Recorder!!

I've been using this Voice Recorder for about a month now. It can hold up to 8 hours of audio and it comes with 4 digital audio file folders to better organize your memos. It beats the post-it note method I was using. My work space is virtually wallpapered with them. It is sort of like getting a second hard drive for your brain. Try it out!

House of D

House of D
Originally uploaded by good_fences.

I've been a David Duchovny fan since X-Files. I guess that's pretty much it or at least all that I was exposed to while wading through the main stream. Not sure really what else he has done. But anyhow, check out the link to his new movie above and his personal blog here.

Here's what I should've said...

Garret died today

My wife and I taught Garrett in Sunday morning bible school. I will spare you details of his death because my mind can't comprehend it and my lips just won't form the words. This song comes from a dark place. I'm sorry. He was six.

Pray for Rain
-Eric Crouch

Vs. 1

Pray for sickness; pray for rain

Pray for the sunset that ends the day

Pray for tunnels that end in lights.

Pray for forgiveness for this life.

Pray for innocence born in vain,

when lives’ are taken without shame.

Chorus

Oh……I want to go home. X3

Vs. 2

Pray for rain that clouds the sky.

Mix it with tears from saddened eyes.

Pray for sickness; pray for rain.

Pray the sunset takes away the pain.

Pray the sunset takes away the pain.

Chorus

Oh……I want to go home. X3

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

I hear the knife guy is bringing a gun to this year's gun fight

I wonder if who ever said, “Don’t ever bring a knife to gun fight” was speaking from experience. It was a bad experience, I’m guessing, if he was. That would mean the other guy had the gun. I can see the first as an old man sitting down with his grandson on the farm somewhere passing that bit of wisdom on to the next generation and the grandson asking, “Hey, Granddaddy, can I see your bullet hole again”? I can see the gun guy in the same way, but sitting on his bunk in a cell block somewhere telling his cell mate the same story for the thousandth time. I don’t think my advice would be as pithy. “Son, don’t bring two girly fists and a glass jaw to a fight”, or “don’t run off screaming like a little girl”. It is still good advice but I don’t foresee any of my words becoming a legacy for me. “Don’t ever bring a knife to gun fight” is a “tough guy” saying now, only because the other guy didn’t bring a gun. What would bullies of today have to say if both had thought to pack their side arms for the fight?

Today's Invention

The E Diet

If you have got junk in the trunk, then listen up, you’re in luck. Ask yourself; would twinkies taste so good if we were unable to taste them? I would assume no. Where's the pleasure? It would be like eating a sponge. Today's Invention is a pill or injection that temporarily deadens the taste buds. You could take one in the morning, perhaps, and the drug would work all day. Or, maybe it would be activated by the increase in salvia that accompanies hunger. In any case, the idea is worth looking in to. You heard it here first.

Why I wish I was four

tricycle
Originally uploaded by good_fences.

You'll have to check Engadget's site for the full story because I'm too disguested to retell it. Do you know that I hit a growth spurt at the very moment in history when fast food chains were building those cool playgrounds with the suspended bridges and rubber ball pits. Tragically, my recent growth disqualified me from partisipating eventhough my age did not. Every playground had a yardstick at it's entrance mocking me with its marks and dashes, everyone I looked down upon. This tricycle is just another example of a missed opportunity. Heap some more burning coals on my head. It's Pimp my Ride meets Sesame Street.

Today's Random Thought

Computers are evil beasts that might be tamed but will yield to thier dormant wild intstincts given the right conditions. They will lash out to miam and consume. If I was computer tamer I would be one on the same scale as Siegfried and Roy, but I would probably just end up like Roy; beaten and mangled.

Today's Invention

Sinful Supplements Inc.

I went to Smoothie King today and got a 32oz smoothie with added memory supplements. It was called strawberry or raspberry something muscle blah blah. I don’t know. You go in and order right up front. An employee gives you a ticket with your number on it and they call it when they have finished preparing the smoothie. This practice seems absurd because the staff usually out numbers the patrons. There is never a line. The ticket is placed in my hand and in a continuance of that motion my hand empties it into the trash. However, this is not the only curiosity in the shop.

I was browsing the store’s various side counter items while I was waiting for my smoothie. There were vitamins, energy bars, muscle enhancers, and other dietary supplements and all with the oddest flavors. There were cinnamon berry energy gels, yogurt almond cranberry crunch trail mix, chocolate hazelnut meal replacement bars, and ice melon rush electrolyte replacement drinks. The last thing I’m thinking about when I’m on a diet is fruity gimmicks snacks. So why would anyone else. I would imagine that most people are on diets to cut back on the red meats, pizza, fries, and other fatty foods. Wouldn’t you think?

In response, today I invented a line of dietary products that taste like the foods we are abstaining from; the things we crave. Basically they are the same as the products I saw today at Smoothie King and that you would see at any Health Food Store but with different flavors. For example: Pepperoni Protein Bars, Pizza flavored instant energy gels, meat stick flavored meal replacement bars, and beer flavored sports drinks.

Today's Free Flow

Bad Day Blues

Having a bad day. Having a bad day.

The sun don’t shine it just fades away, just fades away.

And days of blue skies are so shy.

They play above ceilings of silver linings.

They don’t notice that down below the air is crying.

Old bones are rubbing joints and sighing.

Having a bad day. Having a bad day.

The sun don’t shine it just fades away.

Today's Invention

The Touchless Baby Scrub

I don’t wash my car that often, but when I do, I spring for the touchless kind, the car wash that’s promoted so heavily at all the finest Quickie Marts and other similar establishments that cluster around interstate off-ramps. There are no fancy spindles fastened with sprockets and gears, no heavy industrial brushes that glide across your car’s clear coat like sandpaper over Walnut. I pay extra for that touch of class that only touchless provides. Also absent is the irrational fear that I will be chewed up in the mechanism’s inner workings, but this just might be me. Touchless uses high powered jets of water to vaporize the months of neglect off your car. Nothing touches the car except the water and the detergent. It’s great. This method, however grand, is still not free from my irrational fears. I’m developing one now. If you’ve seen the movie Maximum Overdrive with Emilo Estevez, then, you’ll see where I’m heading with it, but that’s a side note.

I was blessed with the idea of the Touchless Baby Scrub when I was confronted with the possibility of changing my nephew’s diaper. I got out of it but I’ve been plagued with the chasing notion that I won’t be able to dodge that bullet forever. The Touchless Baby Scrub is a Touchless car wash on a much smaller scale. You don’t want to peel the flesh of the child. You just want to knock the nasty off. You stick the baby into the device making sure to remove the dirty diaper. Suspend the baby over the rotating nozzles and close the vinyl curtain. Your hands and the baby are the only things in the device now. This device is designed with the baby’s safety in mind. The baby is safe even under cataclysmic conditions. The Touchless Baby Scrub will be held to the same standards as any other baby product.

Today's Scene

A man walks into a grocery store to pick up a few items. He has just come from the hospital where he had a cyst removed from his nose. It was an out-patient procedure and the wound on the nose is visibly fresh. The check out clerk, ignoring proper etiquette, asks the man what happened to his nose. The man, hiding his disgust for having been questioned, responds, “I don’t know. I woke up this morning with these tiny teeth marks and a hunk of my nose missing.” That’s today’s scene.

Kim Komando

My mom worships Kim Komando. Kim Komando is a radio personality who is known across the airwaves and in cyberspace as the “Digital Goddess”. She is a computer guru equivalent to a Master Mason. My mom is one of her loyal subjects, so loyal that it boarders on “Jim Jones” like fanaticism. It is for good reason, I know, I’m quickly becoming a Kool-Aid sipper myself. My apologies if you are sensitive to the Jone’s Town references. Honestly, though, where would Kool-Aid be today if wasn’t for all that free press.

Mom recently sent me two of her books on CDs. They are both filled with tons of tricks and tips. Here is a good example: Did you ever wonder what all those programs were that automatically started along with Windows? MSConfig will list them but how do you know which ones are needed and which ones were installed by spyware? Kim says to go here to learn more about what each executable does.

Wouldn't you hate to see this as you awoke from a coma?

I'm playing with this digital camera we had laying around at work. Ignore me.

Recycled Death

I don’t practice risky behavior. I enjoy life and I prefer not to exit it with a Darwin Award. So I don’t bungee jump, skydive, mountain climb, dive into the shallow end, or eat peanut butter off a spoon. It is, then to this, that I query my readers; why is it then that people feel it necessary to remind me to “be careful”.?
My wife and I had company coming over and we were cleaning house the night before in preparation for their visit. I had been putting of taking the recyclables despite my wife’s gentle, yet daily, encouragements. My justification in the delay being that it would take decades for our recyclables to breakdown in a landfill if we decided to be so careless. But we don’t, so what are a few more days. Well, I finally got on the ball around 11 pm, which isn’t a prime chore time but I knew the dumpster rush would be long past. I told my wife where I was going and that I’d be right back. Worry immediately showed on her face. Now, the WORRY function uses the entire left hemisphere of the female brain, for those of you who don’t know the mechanics of the female brain. There is not much room left in this hemisphere aside from a few involuntary functions like blinking, breathing, and screaming when an insect is spotted. So a card has been played. My wife is worried and now it’s my turn. The reassurance card; I always lead with this one, and it’s really all I’ve have anyway. “I’ll be fine, honey”, I say. And the machine gun like firing of the synapses on the left side subsides dramatically.
I’m heading out the door when one last one fires like a spark gap jumper, like a bolt of lighting in my wife’s mind. I’m not out of the woods. “Honey”, she says, “Be careful”. What came to mind it not what I said, fortunately for me. I wanted to say, “Not this time, babe. I’m tired of being careful. Yep, it’s overrated. Tonight I’m not flossing, not washing my hands after I flush, I’m microwaving popcorn with my face pressed right up against the glass, I’ll run in socked feet across this hardwood floor, but first, I’m driving to the recycling bin. We can play Scrabble later too if I make it back alive.”
I’ve been involved in mishaps before because I wasn’t being careful, but it’s not something that can be helped by being reminded. I still do foolish things for reasons I can not explain. Mostly, I just open my mouth when it should be closed. I would have liked to share with my wife exactly what was running through my mind, but I didn’t. I was being careful.

Worried Man Blues Annual Fundraiser

It is once again time for the Worried Man Blues annual fundraiser. If you enjoy what you read and would like for our work here to continue then please, won’t you pledge your support today. Marty Shores of Easterwick just called in to pledge a matching donation. Marty will match, dollar for dollar, every pledge from 12 pm to 1 pm. Now people this is just one hour, so how about it? What do you say we give ole Marty a good scare? I should mention that it’s 12 to 1 central standard time. The number to call to make those pledges is 423-943-1278. We at Worried Man Blues dread this time of year and our polls show that our readers aren’t fond of it either. Fundraisers are never fun but they are needed so that we can continue to provide our readers with the highest quality of sarcasm and wit. Please send your cash donations to 3101 Peoples Street, Johnson City, TN 37604. Support public blogging!

Today's Invention

The All Terrain Mouse

Once again I have been smitten with inspiration! Today I invented the All Terrain Mouse, or ATM. It is a standard mouse fitted with a special ball tracker. The ball tracker is the mechanism on the underside of the mouse that associates the movement of the mouse with the movement of the curser on the monitor. The tracker is basically just a hard, rubber coated, plastic ball. The rubber coating is for traction. My invention will improve the traction of the ball. I replaced the rubber coating with a mud tire tread. This new tread will allow the mouse to go “off road” over loose papers, pens, paper clips, coffee cup coasters, and other things that might me littering your work space. The mud tire tread will be the mouse equivalent of a monster truck tire. Patent is pending.

Today's Invention

Ghetto Grass

Today marked the birth of a new word. I conceived the idea much like all my others…..in a drug induced stupor. No, I made that up. I don’t know why it popped into my consciousness, but here it is swimming around in my gray matter. The word is………Ghetto Grass. It's going to be a sub-genre of Bluegrass. “Bluegrass straight from the hood”, is how I'll refer to it. I’m hoping some DJs out there will jump in. There is plenty of room and there is so much good Bluegrass out there suitable for sampling. Until then, the world will have to make do with my garage studio versions of “Ole John Henry’s My Baby’s Daddy”. I can make it happen…………….

Our first Small Group Meeting

Our first small group bible study was a success. We met last night at a member’s house behind the church. We had ten there, which was a perfect “small group” number. Our discussion for this month will be on Small Groups: their biblical relevance, how we can benefit, their structure, and then the application. We will start laying the ground work for beginning at least one. These topics will be discussed weeks 1, 2, 3, and 4, respectively.

Everyone came with a healthy curiosity, which was refreshing. They came with questions which was a big relief for me. I was worried that people would opt to sit back and just listen to the “teacher” preach. It wasn’t like that at all! Everyone participated. Next week’s topic: The benefits of Small Group bible study.

Bump and Run: walking in the fast lane

Bristol, Tennessee on Race Weekend is an amazing sight. Bristol is NASCAR’s fasted half mile, they say. Driving through its race time traffic, conversely, has got to be the slowest half mile. I live less than a mile away from the track and I will never cease to be amazed by the volumes of people who attend. Many start arriving a week prior to set up their RVs, Fifth Wheels, and tents. I call it Camp Town. Camp Town reminds me of the parking lot scene before a Phish or Widespread Panic show. Others, if they’ve book a year in advance, stay in hotels, some even an hour and a half out of town. Driving through this traffic sometimes is a necessity, but most often I avoid it. I bought gas the week prior to the race to avoid the “gas gouging” by the areas’ gas stations. Everybody can make a buck during Race Weekend. The local neighborhoods that encircle the track become temporary parking lots. You can park in front yards, under tire swings, on embankments sliding down at sharp angles, on muddy creek banks, on church lawns, in schools zones, on historic landmarks, on small woodland animals, on top of the elderly and just about anywhere else you can cram a vehicle.

I live in one of these neighborhoods but just slightly outside of the “money zone”. People park on the streets around my house because it’s free. These spots suck anyway so why should they pay me to park on my lawn? It’s no closer to the track and it’s free. The down side for them is that they will have to “flat foot it” almost a mile to the track. I recognize these cars from the last race. They are perennials.

Don’t mistake anything about this article as a fondness for Race Weekend. It is a spectacle but the throngs of race fans in the streets, some in varying degrees of inebriation, makes it difficult to get anywhere. They will dart across the street without evening looking. These fans aren’t athletes either. They might be wearing race uniforms and logos, but it doesn’t mean you should confuse them with anything related to speed. Most are hauling around heavy coolers filled with beer cans and others are hauling around coolers filled with their empties. Their response time isn’t always at its peak. I’ve seen things under a microscope slide move quicker.

It is safe to assume that this weekend is Race Weekend. It is safe to say that I was stuck in race traffic. And it’s safe to say that the culmination of all this was a very bad day. Writing about it, though, does make me feel better. So, I’ve decided not to share with you a story I made up entitled, Bump and Run. The story line just came together while I was stuck in traffic.

As clouds part

It’s hard to tell exactly, sometimes, what the sky has in store for the day. I was driving one day under an overcast sky. After awhile I found myself underneath a large open patch in the sky. The sun was shining through in rays. The clouds in the area around me where getting darker, yet, there was this oasis of sunlight. I immediately thought that the storm was headed my way and that this little patch was just the Alamo of a sunny day. It was a nice bright day’s last stand.
This phenomenon is not out of the ordinary, but what if my thinking is? Why did I think that the storm was heading my way? If posing the question seems silly to you, then please read my post entiled, “Q-tip for the Brain”. It’s not easy questioning everything like a three year old, but I’m still in the middle of an experiment. Besides, this is a question that is worth exploring.
So the question is,” Why do I think the negative first”? That’s really what I was wondering when I assumed the storm was heading my way. I could have been on the tail end of it or just ahead of. I guess when I’m presented two possible outcomes, one good the other bad, I’m going to assume the bad. That’s what little old ladies do. Why am I doing it? People tend to get what they expect.
It did rain on me. I didn’t even care. I could’ve been the eye of the storm. I could be the eye of every storm. I don’t care. I got wet. I got what I expected and I hate that. I’m a prophet of the unfortunate.

In the Ashes of the Garden of Eden

Genesis 2:16
And the Lord God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

We all know what happened when Adam and Eve broke God’s commandment. They were expelled from the garden and they forever put humanity under the curse of death. . Verse 22 and 23 explains the reason for this banishment. There was another tree; the tree of Life. Verse 22: He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever. Man was banished and our years became numbered, life became hard.

Genesis speaks of two trees in chapter two. One was off limits, one was not. The tree of life, according to verse 22 was the source of eternal life. And we were banished, impart, to block our access to eternal life. Man has has been pursuing that tree ever since.

Technology has put man back at the Garden’s Gate and the cloning of Dolly is the first knock. Is man poised, once again, to make a run at becoming like God? Is the Tree of Life this ages' fall. What will be our punishment this time? There is not much more left for us to be banished from, except this earth. What will be the consequences for once again trying to become like God? Only time will tell, I guess, until we learn how turn it back it as well. One tree down, one to go.

Q-tip for the Brain

Dee Hock said, “The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get old ones out. Every mind is a building filled with archaic furniture. Clean out a corner of your mind, and creativity will instantly fill it.”
Ok, I’m going to try it. I’m going to take a common practice and apply this theorem to it. Here goes…….shaking hands. This custom is almost universally understood if not practiced. It’s not something that is ever thought about in depth. We just do it. . I’m going to attempt to clean out the attic of my understanding so, bear with me. This might get ugly:
I shake the hands of friends. I shake the hands of those I respect. I shake the hands of my superiors. I shake the hands of my subordinates. I shake hands to greet others.I feel rude when I don’t shake in these above situations. Why?
I don’t care one way or the other if someone shakes my hand or not. Why should they? Do they? Do they notice it? Are we taught this or did we just pick up on it? Do we do it out of fear? Why can’t we just nod or why do we have to do anything at all?
I have hurt my grey matter just now. Ok, note to self: pick a subject that could use some improvement, a subject more modern perhaps. And maybe something that doesn’t predate papyrus. I actually thought a lot about the quote above. It has taken several days to get around to finishing this thought. So, in that way, the experiment was a success.