Why I'm a Christian as requested by Chris

I was baptized at 12 thinking I had a ticket into heaven but it wasn't until my late twenties that I grasped the concept of repentance and Faith. That's what I really needed. My baptism was about as meaningful as a bubble bath without it. I'm a Christian b/c I realized that despite my deserving Hell, I'm going to Heaven because by creator paid for my crimes past/present/future with the blood of his son. It wasn't until I looked at the 10 commandments against the life I was living that I realized how sinful I really was. I've told lies, so I'm a liar. I've stolen, not much, just little things; paper clips from work, someone's idea, no matter how small, right? I'm a thief. I fell short in each of the ten. I do deserve Hell! Yet, Jesus took my punishment on himself. I'm not a good person but I've been forgiven and that's why I'm a Christian and why I struggle everyday to do His will.

My new vocabulary word

I've decided to incorporate the word "Smurf" into my conversations.
For example:
"Man, I just got smurfed"
or
"Could you smurf me the mashed potatoes?"

Huffing koala Bear

I bought a vial of concentrated Eucalyptus oil to sniff when I have a cold to clear my stuffy head but my friends with colds laugh and say I'm damaging my brain cells. I say they are missing out because when a pleasant smell comes around during cold season I'll be the only one able to retrieve it. Besides, Koalas use this stuff all the time and if it was dangerous wouldn't they'd all be extinct?

You have new Picture Mail!

You have new Picture Mail!, originally uploaded by hailey.crouch.

You have new Picture Mail!

You have new Picture Mail!, originally uploaded by hailey.crouch.

You have new Picture Mail!

You have new Picture Mail!, originally uploaded by hailey.crouch.

Her first Halloween costume

You have new Picture Mail!, originally uploaded by hailey.crouch.

I just had to pause

You have new Picture Mail!, originally uploaded by hailey.crouch.

Doesnt your heart just melt?

Today's Word

Fuzz Knuckle

Coined while changing my baby girl's socks.

Today's Random Thought

I want to get a better look at this girl's nose ring but it would hurt her feelings if she caught me staring so I look away real quick. It's like the very things people do to attract attention only distract from it. I'm down with looking different, just suffer me a longer than polite look. You got a mohawk that's fine, just let me look at you without any fear of being a attacked with a claw hammer.

Process of elimination

There are three occupants who live under my roof; me, the wife, and the baby. Of these three, only two have full control of their arms and legs and only two have a highly developed thought structure. I get a call at working asking if I ate the last piece of cake? "Please tell me you've figued the math out." I gotta wonder if somewhere I miscounted. Is there a fourth occupant that would justify this call or is someone giving the baby way too much credit.?

What cultures me

What I know about other cultures I've learn by watching movies. What I've learned about the Japanese after watching The Grudge is that Japanese kids are very scary. I do not want to go there. They are evil until they grow up.

Tough Guy

A common movie tough guy cliche is to threaten death by saying, "I could kill you ten different ways." I think if someone were to ever threaten me this way I'd think, "Man, I hate over achievers!"

These are my thoughts

Everything in this blog is my original work unless noted, but today I was thinking what if someone else has thought of the same things and written them down like I have? Is it possible for more than one person to have the same original thought?

Today's Invention

Shopping Cart Golf

The object is to role your shopping cart into one of the stores' cart corrals in a certain number of attempts. Most towns have a mega-store like a Wal-Mart, Cosco, or Lowes in which to play. Golf rules apply.

Sushi Blues

I think that it should be a requirement that if a grocery store is going step outside of the box and sell sushi that they at least have on staff someone of Japanese heritage. Man, I'm 6700 miles from Japan, who's going to vouch for my California Roll? If you say McDonalds then you can make me a burger. If you say McRonalds then you can roll me some rice.

Today's Random Thought

Today I decided to break a bad habit, so I told a guy at the gas station to quit smoking. "Dude, you are going to die!"

Today's Random Thought

When I pull up to a red light and I notice someone rolling down their windows, I imagine it's because they farted.

Today's Random Thought

Product testing? My shampoo says it wasn't tested on animals, but what's the alternative? Humans! I'd rather there be a rat somewhere with a nice shining coat than to think of aboriginal orphans being tied down for a forced shampoo. How can I sleep tonight knowing what I know.

Don't Pray..........

In one week we had three attacks on schools. It's only getting worse. Don't pray for an end to all things bad, just pray for the end of all things. It's time. Everything I see disgusts me.

Today's Random Thought

What I don't like about Monopoly is that people use phrases from the game when they aren't even playing. "Eric, come home right after work. Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars." And then they get mad when you make a board game reference. "Hey, save me a bite you hungry, hungry, hippo."

Today's Random Thought

People like to authenticate their self importance by declaring that their family goes back four or five generations. But that's nothing to brag about. What happened 4 or 5 generations ago that caused your family to just pop into existence. Like a big bang or something and, whoa, the Jacksons! I go back to Adam, you go somewhere and evolve.

Today's Random Thought

There is a can of vanilla air freshener in the bathroom at work. The placement of it in a work environment staffed with gastro-intestinal problems has forever associated the sweet aroma of vanilla beans with the thinly veiled stink of a colon blow.

Customer I.Q.

I have learned, from my years in the wireless industry, that many customers make purchases well beyond what their intelligence can handle. They come in complaining that their cell phone doesn't have a dial tone, they use descriptors like "the thingy", or they bring in abused phones and swear that they just woke up one morning and their phone was in two pieces. Someone said it best when they said, "We run credit not I.Q." It's a good thing too or a bunch of folks would go home empty handed. "Sorry buddy, you don't qualify. Come back when you raise that I.Q. 100 points."

Today's B-Movie

Death by the Second Ring

(Adapted from true events in my life. The names have been left out to protect.....well, to protect me, actually, from spending nights on the couch.)

The women are as scared as Chicken Little. If they call each other and don't get an answer by the second ring then they assume that everyone is dead. They are like nervous lap dogs that tinkle themelsves when the leaves rustle.

Today's Random Thought

I think that a fear of flying would severely limit career advancement for a pilot.

Sharks, fire, electricty, and now mountain highways.

I just realized something while watching World Travler . Lonely mountain roads frighten me. Maybe what frightens me is Montana. No, no, I'm pretty sure it's just the road. Oh, and if it's cold, that magnifies the spook factor. Man, if there was an electric shark somewhere on the side of the road I'd wet my pants. Add fire and that would round out the top four on my list of fears. Mountain roads is a new addition. I'm glad I just learned this. This makes me happy. Now I can start avoiding them.

We need a new unit of measurement

The sign says 45 miles an hour but I rarely spend a full hour in transit. It takes me 17 minutes to get to work. Man, don't make me do fractions. So how fast do I need to go? 17 minutes into an hour.....ah screw it!

I get a hour for lunch but I just go across street for coffee and so now on my way back I see a 55 mph sign. It's mocking me saying, hey, you could've been somewhere cool 55 miles away from here.

Today's Invention

Litter Buster Road Rage Enhancer

The guy I'm tailgating decides to turn without signaling and I come close to putting another crack in his backside. I'm rolling down my window to throw my beverage at him when I am seized by a sobering thought,"Man, that would be littering. That's irresponsible. And that's not me." So to remedy my careless tendencies I have rigged a 12 oz. can of my favorite soda with a string to retract it if it finds itself airborne.

Today's Random Thought

The Pope recently apologized for some comments he made about Muslims. Apologized? Man, whatever happened to the Pope being infallible?

Today's Random Thought

If you are talking to me and I suddenly close my eyes, don't be sad. I'm only temporarily unavailable. I'll be back soon.

Today's Invention

If you were going to smuggle illegal peanut butter into the country in a RV it would be best to store it on a moving conveyor hidden somewhere in the chassis. The peanut sniffing dog will smell it then sit to indicate its location but it won't be there. It would've moved on.

Today's Scene

I walked in front of a lady at the grocery store and she said, "You almost hit me!"
I thought, "Ah, man!, Almost is not good enough. Can I have a second chance?"

Today's Random Thought

After years of situps, side bends and crunches there remains no noticeable change in my love handles. What I've come to realize is that I've developed a set of love handles that, though still hideous, can stomp a mud hole in your love handles.

Today's Random Thought

Today I ate Power Bar and sat back down in front of my computer. I should call it a Potential Bar.

Today's Random Thought

I saw a sign, "No felony trespassing". That made me happy because I'm a Trespasser with only good intentions. That did not apply to me.

I'm back!

I'm learning that having a child leaves no time for blogging. No time for much of anything really. Check it...

Anytime now.............

This was an ultra-sound taken a few weeks ago.

Today's Random Thought

I feel that it would be a nice, holiday gesture if prison administrators strung Christmas lights around their barbwire.

Today's Random Thought

Why haven't the Japenese recognized the superiorty of our forks to their chopsticks? You would think that one of them one some hundreds of years ago would've said, "SNAP! Man, these things can really shovel some food!"

Today's Random Thought

Is there such a thing as a "lap cat"? You see lap dogs everywhere. People will take dogs with them on all sorts of errands, but you never see someone driving around with a cat hanging out the passenger side window.

Today's Random Thought

Why do walkers have hand-brakes? I saw a little old lady in Kroger with one that had two handbrakes on each handle. It's the same kind of brakes that comes standard on any bicycle. She was inching along at 6 inches per step. That's when I began to think that at this speed why not just let gravity take it's due course if a "sudden" stop is needed. The lady was already on that ragged edge between motion and stagnation.

Today's Invention

Anti-Bacterial Cologne

This is an additive that cologne manufactures can add to their products to provide their customers with an anti-bacterial shield.

Today's Idea

Pimp my rascal

A show for the aging MTV crowd. It is a spin off of the popular Pimp my Ride show that is now on.

Today's Invention

Teflon Needles

Do you know what I hate about getting shots? They stinkn' hurt! What did you think I was going to say, huh? One reason they are so pain full is due, in part, to the friction between your skin and the needle. Think about what happens when you fall and skin your knee. The friction causes skin to be scraped off because the asphalt is trying to hold on to your knee even as your knee is trying to slide. Much like the asphalt, your skin is trying to hold onto the needle even as the needle is trying to slide though it. Now I've over simplified the mechanics of it all and totally discounted the fact that we have thousands of nerve ending in our skin that get pretty pissed when they are poked, but you get the basic idea. Those injections that you get will be a lot less painful if science could somehow eliminate or reduce this friction.

That's not going to happen anytime soon because it is a basic law of physics, but with the help of Teflon great leaps could be made to making those injections for your gonorrhea spells a lot less painful. All we would need to do is coat surgical needles with Teflon, the slickist substance known.

Today's Invention

Liquid Glove

Liquid glove is a quick drying latex solution that the hands are dipped into to form a sheer, yet durable sheath around the hands. The latex, once dry, bonds to the hands and a forms a seal at which point it feels and behaves just like any other latex glove. The main advantage to this is its versatility. A surgeon who needs more tactile sensation would only apply one coat but a law enforcement official might need several coats to protect the hands from snags or punctures during searches where they might be exposed to needle sticks, contaminated or corrosive fluids, and all forms of pathogens.

Today's Random Thought

Why do we only hear about UNICEF during Halloween? Are they a non-profit of the damned' raising money for the prince of darkness? Sorry about that. I should have just stuck with the intial question.

Today's Random Thought

The First Blogger

I realized last night that Doogie Houser was the first blogger. Do you remember how he would end every show by summing up his day on his computer journal? Stinkn' child prodigy; a doctor and web pioneer.

How dare me!

There is nothing anyone can do to me, no mis-deed, no trespass, no evil done now or in the future that hasn't already been paid for by the blood of Christ. So how can I hold on to anger and bitterness? These are the results of an unforgiving heart. Was Christ's death not enough!? The debt was paid. What a fool I am to think that I should demand more from someone who offends me by seeking my own payment in anger, bitterness, and revenge. Christ blood was more and more and more than enough!

John MacArthur, in his Oct 11 radio broadcast entitled, "The portrait of a new life", says that the way we forgive is the measure of the depth of appreciation that we have for Christ's death for our sins. John goes on to say that it is also a measure of whether we have love in our hearts. Christ's forgiveness of our sins is the ultimate act of love and Eph 4:32 says we should forgive like Christ forgave. So by holding on to anger and bitterness we demonstrate that we don't love. 1 John 4:7 says that those who love know God. By not forgiving we show that we don't love and by not loving we show that we don't know God.

Use forgiveness to gauge the love you show and remember that the offenses against you have been paid for ALREADY. Don't demand more by giving in to your anger! You don't have that right! Was Christ's torture, his beatings, whippings, humiliation, the nails through his feet and hands not enough for you!?

Tactile Museum for the Blind

"My Lament"

OOOOoooooh, I am burden with this evil genius. OOOOoooooh, how I see the most innocent of ideas and twist them in my head. OOOOooooooh, how even the blind are not immune from the comedic poison that flows through my mind like Katrina over a levee. Ok, enough!

Check this link. It's a museum for the blind. Basically, everything in the museum is up for grabs, so to speak. The blind are allowed to touch the pieces of art which allows them to "see" them with their hands. Now, my mind has been overloaded with possible pranks and I grow weary of indulging them in my head, so I will speculate on a faux pas that surely must be a daily occurrence:

Statue of David mishap

curator: Welcome madam, I hope you enjoy .............WHOA!!!!! MADAM, THE STATUES ARE DOWN THE HALL!


P.S. Ten points to anyone who can put the headshot from my bio on the statue from the link above.

10 minutes later.....................................we have a winner!

Today's Invention

Today's invention was born out of my deep regret for missing the initial wave of the "fast food playground" explosion of the early eighties. McDonalds was the first in my hometown, but though I was of age, my freakishly adult frame disqualified me from their diminutive standards. I was barred from the ball pit. Being a few years younger when the trend started would have made for a much happier childhood.

The hardest blow was landed at Show Biz pizza; now called Chucky Cheese. It's one of those amusement park like establishments, if you aren't familiar with it. It was my birthday and I, along with a few of my friends had gathered there with our parents for pizza and party cake. I was 9 or 10. I'm sure the exact age would come back to me under regressive hypnosis but Blue Cross and Blue Shield doesn't cover psycho therapy. Show Biz issued us all a handful of tokens and sent us on our way. I didn't get very far because of my girth I wasn't allowed on the Rope Playhouse. My friends enjoyed it though. I had my eye on this neat little hydraulic ride in the vacant kiddy section of the play land. It was an airplane that would lift six feet or so in the air. It was a bit pricey at three tokens but Frogger had grown old and none of my friends were around to notice I was on a kiddy ride. I jump in and deposit my three tokens and waited for the ride to begin. After a few seconds the MIDI sounds of an airplane taking off came roaring through the cockpit speakers. I felt a sudden jolt and I was off! The plane hovered on its hydraulic arm half way up before seizing up under it's unusually heavy load and then began to slowly lower. I had broken it. Happy freakn' birthday!!!

Today's invention sounds a bit naughty, but I assure you it's not. It is an Adult Playground filled with adult toys. Once again, sicko, this isn't suggestive at all. The playground will consist of road worthy go-carts, virtual gaming, pool tables, dart boards, a bar, and many more activities that aren't suitable for children. Oh, and there will be a bouncer at the door with a measuring stick.

Today's Random Thought

If you ever see a fox approach you and it's foaming at the mouth.....Maaaan, just leave it alone.

Today's Invention

Today's invention is a post-it note gospel tract. All you have to do is peel and stick. This invention, more than any of my inventions, actually can be done on my budget. I am stopping by Office Max to price the job.

Today's Random Thought

Logan's Roadhouse is one of those resturants that serves peanuts as appitizers. It's an American version of chips and salsa and basically these types of eateries are just thumbing their noses at the mexician joints, but it's a tasting gimmick none the less. Logan's further plays on the gimmick by allowing customers to toss their empty shells on the floor. It's part of the Roadhouse feel. My thought concerns the obvious slip hazzard that surrounds this practice. I'm actually surprised that there isn't a drive through just for soliciting lawyers. So, why don't more people walk out of Logan's with concussions? Anyhow, I've never been to an authentic Roadhouse but I did see Patrick Swayze in the movie of the same name, so I feel quite confident in saying that Logan's doesn't live up to the hype.

Don't push your religion on me!

Why does Christianity offend the world? Why does the Gospel rub people the wrong way?

When a proud sinner is confronted with their sin through the 10 commandments a battle is started in their heart and mind. Their conscience is convicting them of their sin while their mind is fighting to hold on to the belief that they are a "good" person. What results is anger. You've heard the saying, "Don't shoot the messenger for the message"? Well, this is what is happening. A proud sinner will lash out at the one who brought the message.

"Don't push your religion on me!" Have you heard this? It's the messenger being "shot". It is also proof that that person is being worked over by their conscience. Why else would they respond so harshly? You won't see the same response if someone stood up in the town square declaring the sky to be red and to repent of our notions of a blue sky. "Repent, blue sky believers!" No, you aren't going to hear anyone say, "Don't push your red sky belief on me!" You won't because that message doesn't convict the hearers' conscience. People would regard it as foolishness and not give it a second thought. But those who are being confronted by their sin are bothered, those who aren't don't give it a second thought because it is foolishness to them.

This brings me to the other question, "Why does the gospel rub people the wrong way?" Check out 1 Cor 1:18....

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. ¹⁹For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

A man dying on the cross for me? That is silly. Tell a sinner that before they are convinced of their sin and you've just turned the gospel message into just an ordinary event in history. It takes seeing that one is a sinner before hell and the cross make sense. For ways to biblically witness to someone go to The Way of the Master.

Today's Random Thought

I wonder if Jesus' repeated references about tax collectors didn't hurt Matthew just a little each time?

Matt 5:46
"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?" -NIV

I wonder if writing about it here was therapy for him? I can hear Jesus saying that and the Apostles snickering at Matthew.

"Shock Joust" added to the pop lexicon

"Shock Joust", the word I coined in a post titled "Paraplegic Humor", was added to pseudodictionary.com.